WK16 - All-Star Weekend

WTF is happening here?

WK16 is in the books, which also happened to include All-Star Weekend. As the years have gone by, my interest for All-Star weekend has deteriorated like Nick Kypreos's intelligence, so I do apologize if I do not have the same type of enthusiasm as most hockey pundits portray.

Before I go into an absolute rant on All-Star Weekend, let's get to things that matter first: the weekly statistics. Though we had fewer games, that didn't stop some select-GM's from putting up impressive numbers. Here are the statistics, courtesy of the stats machine:

Sitch still leads overall, but it was Safari who earned the most points this week with 134.55, quite astounding considering that the League-average for the week was 89.00. Safari is now within striking distance of Sitch once again, and both teams are pretty much caught up in terms of games played. Team DB, as predicted, is starting to lose pace, mostly due to lack of games played. Sir Fucking Randy can only assume that lower point totals from DB is inversely related to the higher levels of sex-romps on the East Coast.

"No comment," said Dick Burns.

Along with earning the most points this week, Safari was also the most improved PPGP select-GM this week; he was +0.06, bringing his PPGP to 3.13. Sitch still leads overall with a 3.22. 

Not many changes in the Rainbow this week, though it should be noted that Sitch is now the only select-GM averaging more than 3.00 PPGP for players. Scoring has been harder to come by this season, which is odd considering that overall NHL scoring is up.

And once again, no changes to Rank.

So back to the All-Star Weekend. Let me preface this by acknowledging a few things here:

1. I am an old man with nothing better to do than to write vulgar, satirical, hilarious and often controversial fantasy hockey reports. I know how useless my commentary means in the real world.
2. All-Star Weekend is really meant for NHL branding and outreach. I get that.
3. If you're an NHL fan who legitimately gets excited for All-Star Weekend, you're probably under the legal drinking age.

Adds McGuire: So, what's your beef, Commissioner?

Time for a rant.

Alright, I'll make a few enemies here, but fuck it I have enemies all over these damn internet(s) so I've got nothing else to lose except possibly winning another Pulitzer Prize. I'm going to be as objective as I can here, though subjectivity is always more entertaining and - let's face it - hysterical.

1. Chilled Skill

Guys, take a two hour knee.

Call me crazy, but I feel like the Skills Competition gets slower and slower every year. It's unfortunate, because components of the Skills Competition are actually very entertaining, generating significantly better highlights and stories than the All-Star game itself. I remember throughout the nineties and even early 2000's when the pace of the Skills Competition was much higher. Players weren't sitting ducks for prolonged periods, and there wasn't nearly as much on-ice confusion between skills events.

Don't get me wrong; I think there are very good skills events that exist currently. I have no complaints with the traditional ones (like Hardest Shot, Accuracy Shooting, Fastest Skater). Some of the newer ones aren't so bad either. However, I think there's so much more that could be done to the Shootout event.

Remember in 2008 when they tried making the Shootout like a Slam-Dunk Contest? The NHL tried to improve on it in 2009 by bringing in Dummy Goalies who were instructed to stand there, let the players do their thing and - most importantly - try to look like they're trying to stop the puck without actually stopping it? (Are you serious?) Holy hell, it was tough to watch. Some good Samaritan uploaded a full nine minutes worth for those who want to relive awkwardness.

Here's the issue: the objective of the shootout is to score (or save, depending on who you're rooting for). The shootout is also a game of smarts; it's the Trickster vs. the Gatekeeper. In terms of the player, it is just as skillful to snipe as it is skillful to deke. But sniping isn't as 'entertaining' as deking, so for a while the NHL tried to discourage this. If you're discouraging a shot, it gives the goalie significant advantage, creating an absolute mind-fuck for the player. If this command were instructed by Putin himself, it'd sound like:

"You. You score. But, no shoot. Deke only. 

I say to goal you will deke. So he no you deke.

But, still score. Or else."

Not too long ago, the Shootout gave a player a time limit (I think 30 seconds or so) to shoot as many times as they could on a goalie, and the objective was to score (no Putin restrictions). A bunch of pucks would be left at centre and the player would scoop up a puck, go in on a breakaway, and then, assuming he had enough time, would skate back to centre and pick up another puck for another attempt. He'd go as many times as 30 seconds would allow. I used to love this because it (1) provided a stretch of continuous entertainment, (2) got players and goalies into a rhythm, (3) brought much needed pace to the Skills Competition, and (4) showcased skill.

Back then, you didn't know what the player was going to do. There would be a combination of dekes and shots because he'd have to mix things up in order to beat the goalie. This hasn't been the case for the last few years. Shootout events are now dragged out without pace or continuous entertainment (i.e. a player shoots, followed by a stoppage) and goalies know that players are likely to deke because the NHL has really tried to make the Shootout like the Slam-Dunk Contest of the NBA.

Why don't they bring back the old format, where scoring is the objective, but include a time limit and multiple attempts? I think you'd get more realistic shootout attempts and competitiveness out of players/goalies. To increase the rapid fire action and importance of scoring, you could also add an incentive that each goal scored adds an extra few seconds (say, 3 seconds) to the players 30 second attempt. I think these adjustments would make the Shootout entertaining again, both for fans and players.

2. The Million Dollar Question

A softer criticism of All-Star Weekend, but it's awkward nonetheless. Do players, All-Star players, no less, really need a million dollar prize? The additional cash grab feels wrong, considering these All-Star players are earning high salaries, most earning more than the League-average of $2.4 million. I thought that this was going to some sort of charity, but it actually just went to the winning team. I'm sure that some (if not all) will become proceeds to a charity of the winning team's choosing, but why wasn't this highlighted during the ceremony? It just seemed awkward.

3. The $30,000 Question

When you think of an All-Star professional athlete, what do you think of? Because you know, I think of the practical economy vehicle. I love me a good Honda, but I've always chuckled when players stand beside a vehicle valued at about a week's worth of their salary (again, assuming a $2.4 million annual salary). I know it's about sponsorship, I know it's about company's wanting to expose their every-man product to the every-man, but it just seems cheeky, doesn't it?

4. Commentator 'Enthusiasm'

Commentators need to be polished and professional. But I think the majority of us can tell when commentary is genuine and when it becomes questionable. There were several instances during the All-Star Game where I could definitely tell that commentators were getting tired of putting a great spin on an otherwise lackluster play. How are you supposed to be enthusiastic when there's 10% effort on the ice? It's such a weird dynamic; it's like trying to be happy at your best friend's wedding when you hate their fiancé. I feel for these commentators, I really do, but this dynamic makes for a poor All-Star Weekend.

5. The All-Star Game

Finally, I really wonder what will come of the All-Star Game in future. I think going to a 3-3 format was a significant step forward. It's made it more entertaining and less congested. However, it will still never replicate the intensity of an actual game, so it's tough to enjoy it when you know players are holding back. It's a bit cringe-worthy too when you factor in the 'enthusiastic' commentary from TV personalities. It's a lose-lose situation, in my books.

So, that's Grumpy Randy's take on All-Star festivities. I don't mean to shit on a product that was probably gobbled-up and loved by nine year-olds everywhere, but it still leaves me itching for something better. I'm no fan of basketball, but even I have much more interest in watching the NBA All-Stars than the NHL All-Stars.

"Putin would make things better!" argued Burgundy.

"He might, but he'd rig the All-Star voting," said Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.