the Combine

Alright, gentlemen and lady. Time to make some predictions and piss some of you off. There's nothing quite like reading an independent vulgar man's take (i.e. Morpheus Randy) on the risky decisions you've made in drafting. It's like criticizing the work of a window-washer perched high above on a dangerous skyscraper; the window washer does all the dangerous work, while those safe inside the building can't get past the fact that he missed some spots on the corner of a pane.

"What an interesting analogy," said Dick Burns.

Admittedly, I type this post as my window washers dangle on the side of Randy Headquarters, ensuring that my ivory tower is pristine and well maintained. What can I say? My tower is huge, it's beautiful and it's the best. Does that sound familiar?

Huge.

Alright, let's get to it then.

[Position, followed by rank, followed by analysis.]

CENTRE

It's a Safari vs. Burgs showdown.

1. Safari, Burgs

3. Sitch

4. Dick Burns

5. Tree Bone

"Yeah! Crosbone!" yelled Burgundy.

Yes, yes, Burgundy. You've been ranked number one again this year at centre. And yes, it is in large part due to your Crosbone. With the pick-up of Kuznetsov, Burgundy's centre position is even stronger this year. However, he now shares the ranking with the Silver Lion, who can counter with Seguin and Company (i.e. Giroux, Couture, Johansen, Matthews and Getzlaf). Giroux and Getzlaf, in my opinion, had off years last year, and Seguin in his own right was injured for 10 games. He's also younger than Crosby and did not undergo a deep playoff run in 2016, so methinks he's got what it takes to outscore SC87.

"Let's hope so," said Safari.

LEFT WING

Once again, Safari locks down Alex Ovechkin (LW).

1. Safari

2. Burgs

3. Dick Burns, Tree Bone

5. Sitch

Generally speaking, LW is the easiest to evaluate because Safari usually stocks up on LW (it's slightly easier for him given he already occupies a Keeper in Ovechkin), making him a top contender. However, this year's evaluation was much tougher. I still give the hat tip to Safari, but there's a significant log jam the rest of the way. I really considered giving the edge to Burgs since he has Benn, but his support cast in Hall and Lucic are questionable in my mind, mostly because there's significant risk that Hall will party hard and ask every girl in NJ for a blow jam. Dick (Pacioretty, Parise, Sedin) and Tree (Panarin, Forsberg, Huberdeau) both have very well-rounded LWs, but do not have any of the 'elites' in the League, in my opinion. Finally, Sitch (Gaudreau, Drouin) has the most interesting of the bunch; Gaudreau has proven that he can play with the best, but Drouin is a calculated risky bet. Drouin was a force during the end of last season, and carried the play well into the playoffs, but he remains unproven. Suffice to say, Sitch is definitely a wildcard.

RIGHT WING

"That's a nice purse!"

1. Tree Bone

2. Safari

3. Burgs, Sitch, Dick

She's got Pavelski and Kane; need I say more? The only other select-GM who was able to get a bit of consideration was Safari, who boasts Tarasenko and Simmonds; however, it was not nearly enough to overtake Tree Bone's rank.

"This is a no-contest," said Tree Bone.

DEFENSE

Do you see a ThunderZone?

1. Sitch

2. Dick Burns

3. Tree Bone

4. Safari, Burgs

I think Sitch went into the Draft with a mission this year: be the whore who hoards all the D-men. Burns, Subban, Byfuglien, Klingberg, Seabrook, Keith and Ekblad. Now, admittedly three of them (Byfuglien, Seabrook and Keith) are a bit older and may be past their prime, but all D-men Sitch has assembled would be welcomed on any other roster, so he did a fine job in absolutely demoralizing all other select-GM's in the D department.

"My D department is just fine and dandy, thank you very much," said Dick Burns.

Agreed, Sir Dick, but I was referring to fantasy hockey only. That being said, Dick picked up a few good gems himself; Karlsson (this year's first-overall) leads Team DB, and produces at a rate that most forwards can't even keep up with, so Dick Burns will hopefully be able to keep pace with Sitch.

GOAL

Can it get any better than this?

1. Safari

2. Burgs

3. Dick Burns

4. Tree Bone

5. Sitch

My rankings may be controversial (hell, they always are), but I'm giving the nod to Safari on this one since he's not only picked two of the elites (Holtby and Rinne), but also because I think the respective teams they play for will have monstrous years. Washington will be a force like in previous years, and the addition of Subban to Nashville will add some wins for Rinne. Rask, the third tender for Safari, is as good as they come; hopefully Boston will recover from a lackluster year.

There was a log jam from 2 to 4, but the biggest wildcard (again) lies with Sitch. His selection of Allen (who may finally get a full year's worth of games now that Elliott has been shipped to Calgary) may prove to be a winner, but St. Louis will be in a tough Western Conference. SJ tender Jones is also coming off a Stanley Cup Final run, so I question whether he will be able to play all season long. And Fleury, a decent tender on an elite Penguin team, may be the odd man out once Murray is healthy.

In summary:

Randy's Stats Machine is projecting a Lion-esque victory. With the exception of a weaker defense than some other select-GM's, Safari seems otherwise well-rounded, and his forwards and goalies will be able to pick up the slack that his d-men leave. Burgs will not be far behind, and Dick and Tree Bone will duke it out in the middle ranks. The biggest fall this year will be Sitch, who, outside of d-men, looks to be short everywhere else.

"He is a short man," said Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.

Draft Day Diaries

Same shit, different year. Am I right?

PoV Draft Day was last Thursday evening at 9:15PM EST, so I guess technically it should be called Draft NIGHT as opposed to Draft Day. But Draft Day just sounds better, no?

After some hectic scheduling that left Sir Fucking Randy on the brink of breaking some (Tree) bones, the five select-GM's finally agreed on a time that worked with all their schedules. Not surprisingly, Dickery Burns was last to arrive with 30 seconds to spare. Or was he?

"Lies, all lies!" said Dick Burns whilst throwing a carton of fresh eggs into the garbage. "I was the first one there, I swear! I got there very early, in time to excuse myself and grab some non-dairy refreshments."

Dick Burns arriving early to an event is more suspicious than Tree Bone asking to borrow your purse, so I take his his claim with extreme caution.

"God damn it I was there first!" screamed Dick Burns. "I just stepped out for a moment to get refreshments and that's when everyone else came in, thinking that I hadn't arrived yet!"

This is all hearsay and I will therefore neither confirm or deny the claims. But, what I can comment on is the shenanigans that prevailed throughout the night of the Draft. Like other Drafts, this year's PoV Draft was suspenseful, dramatic and included a few curve balls (pucks?) for some additional flare.

The night commenced with Dick Burns, who's now had first-pick more times than DiCaprio at the Playboy Mansion, selecting Erik Karlsson, arguably the most sought after defenseman at the Draft. Pairing that with a Keeper in Carey Price, Dick Burns started off with a strong back end game.

"Back end game is my forté," said Dick.

Karlsson goes #1st Overall in PoV.

With the second overall selection, Tree Bone picked up zygote Connor McDavid, Edmonton's prized possession, who was restricted to just 45 games last season but somehow managed 48 points (as a rookie, no less). Methinks Mr. McDavid could end up as this year's leading scorer, which is scary considering Tree Bone also possesses Patrick Kane, last year's Art Ross winner.

That beard provides more shade than a tree.

With the third overall selection, Sitch, who is coming off what he considers his most disappointing season ever, followed in the footsteps of Dick Burns and also selected a defenseman, going with Brent Burns. Hoarding up on D-men seemed to be the name of the game for Sitch this season; think he's compensating for something?

"Low blow, Commissioner!" shrieked Sitch, with a sock half stuffed in his inseam.

This is too funny.

With the fourth overall selection, aka. the Silver Spoon selection --

"FUCK!" roared Safari.

-- African Lion Safari picked up Braden Holtby. The elite puck stopper will obviously be a fantastic pairing with Alex Ovechkin (Safari's Keeper), who will do his part on offense while Holtby cleans up any defensive breakdowns.

Holtby, the first goalie
selected in PoV.

And finally, last year's winner, Ronald Burgundy, completed the round one selection by picking up Jamie Benn, the Dallas forward who was one of Sitch's favourite gems in last year's Wring.

"Oh, it feels so good to take one of Sitch's favourite gems," said Burgundy, grinning.

"He's saying 'JEAH!'" said Burgundy.

The night progressed with reasonably friendly chatter and selections, with many select-GM's praising each other's picks. Notable kudos were given to Tree Bone during round six, when she snagged 30 goal scorer Filip Forsberg, who had been on the radar of many select-GM's. Not to be outdone, African Lion Safari robbed several select-GM's a few rounds later (round 10) by taking Brad Marchand; apparently the next three select-GM's selecting after Safari had already had their mouses hovered over Marchand's name.

As the Draft is a live event, not everything runs smoothly without interruptions. Burgundy, who was likely pre-occupied with some adult film PoV filtering, required a stoppage and reset during the 10th round as he went over time.

"No comment," said Burgundy.

Who came out on top in the Draft remains to be seen (duh, that's why we play an entire season, right?). From unconfirmed sources, it has been reported that Safari gave a hat tip to Sitch, commending his Draft decisions. Separately, Sitch was caught mid-carbo-loading while running his eyes over Tree Bone's roster, again and again. Only time will tell, gentlemen and lady, whether these decisions prove fruitful or fruitless.

"A combine would assist," said Burgundy.

Wise words, Dick.

Giving Birth to PoV

We're back at it again, my dear select-GM's.

Can you believe that this is the fifth year of the Randy Leagues? It all began with Randy's Redemption (2013), a shortened season due to the NHL Lockout, followed by full seasons in Randy's Tri-Hard! (2013-2014), Randy's V (2014-2015) and Randy's Wring (2015-2016). I can't even begin to imagine how many words I've penned over the years, though I believe there is a hard-copy of my works somewhere on my bookshelf, bound by only the finest mahogany leather. I bet the Pope himself would appreciate its scripture.

With that being said, here I am, in the fifth year of penmanship. I therefore give birth to Randy's PoV.

Keep pushin', Rachel Greene.

What is the story behind PoV, you ask? Well, not only is the abbreviation Burg's favourite filter when browsing adult film --

"HEY!" shouted Burgundy, alt-tabbing in shock.

-- but it also celebrates our fifth year of operations. PoV, officially, stands for Party of Five, a great way to symbolize five years of greatness and five years of commitment. It's not everyday that you are able to find five select individuals (i.e. select-GM's) who are willing to put time and energy aside to compete on the greatest stage, all the while maintaining irreplaceable comradery. Therefore, PoV is a reminder to all of us that very few things are more valuable in this world than friendship. Is this the cheesiest writing Mr. Fucking Randy has ever penned? Perhaps. But you know what they say; the stinkiest cheese tastes the best.

I'll take five slices, please.

Unofficially, PoV also stands for Point of View, which is exactly what the Randy Reports are all about. Being the author of the Reports, it is obviously bias because it's mostly based on me (Morpheus Fucking Randy) and my thoughts and perspectives, but I try to incorporate everyone else when time permits. This will be the case soon, as Commissioner Randy will be off to the Orient once again for about a month, so Reporting for the first few weeks of fantasy will be delegated to authorized correspondents.

However, before I depart I will surely be covering many topics, including the annual Draft which took place last Thursday evening. Apologies for not having published anything sooner; my hands were significantly tied up, figuratively and literally, as I am a busy man and I have a soft spot for kinky brunettes. Assembling the five select-GM's was also quite labouring this year (extra Rachel Greene) so my energy levels were too low immediately following the Draft. Not to worry though; Mr. Fucking Randy is poutine-charged and ready to slam out Reports before flying away, and he intends to do it in style and flare. Hell, maybe he'll even get to analyzing some shit and publishing the great annual Combine.

"Aren't Combine results always proven useless to --" said Dick Burns.

ENOUGH DICK.

"That's what she said," said Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.