Rudy the Roomba

Alright, time for some random shit. Let's talk vacuums.

As you are all aware, Sir Fucking Randy is the most proper gentlemen; therefore, his corridors are always classy as fuck and cleaner than Buckingham Palace. Privileged guests are always mesmerized by the perfected atmosphere at House of Randy; spotlessly clean, yet still inviting. This atmosphere has been the product of years and years of careful planning, designing and yes, cleaning. Cleaning is a borderline fetish of Sir Fucking Randy and he makes no apologies for it.

Since Tree Bone's return to Canadian soil, she's been a regular guest at House of Randy, and she's frequently dialed my mobile for a courtesy call. It's always appreciated and entertaining, albeit the conversations generally start off the same:

TB: Hello, Sir Fucking Randy.

Randy: Greetings, my dear lady.

TB: What are you up to this fine Friday evening?

Randy: Oh, not too much. Just catching up on correspondence. (swoosh!)

TB: What's that sound?

Randy: What do you mean? (wrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!)

TB: ... I can't hear you. Can you speak up?

Randy: How odd... I can hear you perfectly. (whhhhhh-whhhh-whhhh!)

TB: I still can't hear you. What's that sound? Are... ARE YOU FUCKING VACUUMING AGAIN?!

Randy:... Um...

TB: It's Friday! Why the hell are you cleaning on a Friday?!

Randy:... So I can prepare for my follow-up cleaning on Saturday.

TB:...

So yes, I may be a little nutty about cleaning. What can I say? It was passed down to me from Mother Newman. I can't help it! Every time I pass a Dyson display I need to stop and have a look. I own one (and even lent it to Tree Bone during her initial move-in to her home earlier this year) and have been very satisfied with it. However, a Roomba was on sale this Black Friday and I had to take a look. Who wouldn't want autonomous cleaning?

I've been skeptical about these cleaners from the start; being a smaller device, I questioned the suction power among other things. But, while I was in the Orient, I did witness one in action and it was somewhat impressive. So for just under $600, I bought one this November.

"You do realize now, that you have spent $1,200 - cumulatively - on vacuums, right?" said Tree Bone, referring to the Dyson and Roomba I now possess.

I fully acknowledge my obsession, Tree Bone. Anyways, I've had a chance to use it a few times now, and here are my observations (for those who are interested... do I hear crickets?).

It's name is RUDY. 

Why? Because...

1. He tries very hard. Rudy isn't the fastest, the strongest, or the smartest, but damn he sure tries hard. When he's cleaning, he stutters left and right, rotating around in an unpredictable fashion, much like a disorganized football player. Rudy runs into things he's not supposed to, gets caught occasionally and isn't graceful.
2. You find it funny when he struggles. When Rudy runs into obstacles, he makes every effort to get around it. He's determined, but he's also got tunnel vision (he can be very stubborn). As an innocent bystander, sometimes you wonder what the fuck he's doing and why he won't just back out and stop his madness.
3. He's not as good as the others. If you want the best clean, you don't go with Rudy. Others (and I include hard manual labour in this category) are bigger, stronger and faster. Enough said.
4. He surprises you. While he may not be the best, he does surprise you with his capabilities. He can't clean as well as others can, but that doesn't mean he's horrible. He actually picks up quite a bit; it just takes time. And, considering that you can leave him alone to do the work, that's actually quite nice. On several occasions I left my home to run a few errands and turned on Rudy for cleaning; when I returned, he had swept the designated area, finished up and returned to his docking station all by himself. Was it the deepest and most thorough clean I've ever witnessed? No. But was it decent? Yes.
5. He's an Example of Excellence. Rudy is an example of what the mind can achieve when it is determined. The product/output is not as important as the initiative and drive. Initiative and drive are traits that everyone knows about, but few people actually possess and/or apply these traits out of fear of failure. However, I believe that fear of failure is in itself failure; you end up not accomplishing anything. Is Rudy the best vacuum cleaner? No. But does he add value? Yes.

So, overall...

I am satisfied with Rudy the Roomba. He does a job and works hard at it. Granted, I've only been in possession of Rudy for less than a month, so my opinion may change, but as of right now I'm pretty happy with it. I've found that, just like the real Rudy, his success does depend on the support around him. So, to make Rudy the Roomba more successful, it's best to assist in his cleaning efforts; help him by clearing chairs/obstacles out of the way where you can, give him a job that isn't out of his league and be patient while he learns.