WK20 - GM's Quarterly III

Bah, I was really rooting for Safari there.

After two weeks of killing it in the PoV, the Silver Lion crawled out of second position and tentatively held the number one spot intra-week. Backed by strong forward pick ups and continued goaltending efforts, I thought he might have been able to hold onto top spot through the weekend; however, his team failed to score big points on Super Saturday, and Sitch was able to make up ground and retake the lead.

With that, Sitch retains the lead as of WK20, which also coincides with our GM's Quarterly III. Before we get into the quarter, here are the weekly visuals, courtesy of the stats machine:

Sitch was this week's top bread winner, stopping Safari's string of being top producer (two weeks streak). Sitch was able to amass 146.80 fantasy points, about 20 fantasy points ahead of Safari, who had 125.70. Sitch can thank Gaudreau, Matthews and solid goaltending from his team.

In addition to banking the most points, Sitch also boosted his PPGP to a League-leading 3.30 (+0.04 from last week). Safari was not far behind, adding +0.03 to his PPGP and now sports a 3.24. Burgundy has also made a big stride and is joining the 3.20 PPGP club. And despite giving zero-fucks, Tree Bone is humming along with a 3.09, very admirable considering she's dropped off the face of the Earth.

Sitch continues to be in the money (extra green) for the majority of his statistics. He's above 60% again in goalie wins, but Safari has also made a huge leap in that statistic, thanks to the pick-up in Allen.

No changes to Rank.

Now, let's get to the awards...

SELECT-GM OF THE QUARTER - SITCH

(Honourable mention: Safari)

I almost gave this to Safari. Hell, I may have given it to him had he been able to dethrone Sitch just once over the quarter. However, the stats just didn't stack up.

Sitch had the highest PPGP over the third quarter, bringing home an average of 3.49 PPGP, 0.10 better than second place Safari, who did very well himself with 3.39. Burgundy rounded out the top three with 3.31, followed by Tree Bone with 3.17 and Dick Burns with 2.88. Safari did earn the most points over the period, but played 16 more games than Sitch during the span.

"This ain't no BPC," said Sitch.

Yes, we're all aware of that, Sitch. You've been saying that for years.

"I gotta hand it to Sitch," said Safari. "He was the best this quarter, and has been the best for most of this year. I would have felt awkward receiving the Select-GM of the Quarter award this time around. He (Sitch) has been producing well, even without his key Keeper in Stamkos. It's admirable."

JARED COWAN OF THE QUARTER - PricewaterhouseCoopers (PwC)

(Honourable mention: the United States of America)

Wow, did anyone see the Oscars last night? La La Land's victory was erased faster than the Atlanta Falcons.

Apparently, some (soon to be fired) PwC accountant put the wrong stationary into the "Best Picture" envelope, causing extreme confusion during the Academy Awards; poor old Warren Beatty was so confused I thought he was going to faint. Enclosed in the "Best Picture" envelope was the stationary for "Best Actress" (which went to Emma Stone - La La Land) so the presenters announced that La La Land had won Best Picture. After a commotion on stage, the rightful winners were announced (Moonlight). Oh, it was hilarious. It just goes to show you: accountants are just glorified fact checkers who can't check their own work.

"HEY!" screeched an ego-burned Sitch.

The entire US of A gets honourable mention here. They have done a complete fuck-up with their electoral decisions, and I swear to god something fucked is going to happen sooner or later.

"I am ZERO percent qualified!"

STEALTH OF THE QUARTER - SAFARI

(Honourable mention: Moonlight)

I haven't seen this movie, but with it's Oscar win I might just add it to the list. Moonlight gets honourable mention as they came out of nowhere to steal Best Picture.

Anyways, Safari gets Stealth of the Quarter this time around, and it's not surprising; he had been creeping up on Sitch this entire month (and actually overtook him intra-week last week). He's been quiet on trading, instead finding pure gems in the free agent market and making up precious points. He hasn't reached the top of the mountain yet, but his team will be right in the thick of things by season's end.

Here are the Quarterly stats, courtesy of the stats machine:

Until next time, gentlemen and lady.

- Morpheus Randy

ANUSTART

Well, well, well, look at what we have here...

It seems we have a new leader.

"It's a new start," said Safari. "Or ANUSTART, as some anal-rapists would say."

Oh, ANUSTART, I remember that episode fondly. Mostly because ANUSTART was probably one of the few things I found funny about season four. I hear that there's a fifth season coming, and production will be much more like season's one through three, where the entire cast is available for shooting all episodes. I really hope that it is, because season for - to Sir Fucking Randy, at least - was an utter disappointment.

But back to hockey: After spending more weeks at number one than Taylor Swift, Sitch has been temporarily bumped off the pedestal, finding himself playing second fiddle to Safari. Now, it's still only intra-week, so the rankings may change come Sunday night, but for now we can declare Safari interim-Leader.

"Again, it's just a real hot steak. Season isn't over," said Safari. "We had a mini dance party in my office last night. We feasted on the finest of meats. But it's back to business for the pride."

All business as usual, Safari. But, congrats on the progress you've made. Rafiki is proud f you.

The surge Safari has been able to execute is remarkable, but where have the points been coming from?

Adds McGuire: I know where I can draw the - dare I say it - LAINE!

Oh, you're hilarious, Pierre.

"I love puns!" screamed Dick.

Adds McGuire: Laine has been on fire, collecting almost 40 fantasy points over the last two weeks. Safari actually sat him on the night he netted a hat trick, so Safari could have been even further ahead right now had he played Laine. Safari's pick up in Captain Serious (Jonathan Toews) is also paying off big time; Toews has also scored close to 40 fantasy points over that period. Nazem Kadri has also been a force, collecting just over 30 fantasy points over the same time frame. Can't get much better than that!

Asked whether he was disappointed with his team giving up the lead, Sitch was rather still like a tree trunk. Sources indicate that he has been melancholy, but respectful.

"He's sent me a few messages," said Safari, picking some zebra meat out between his teeth. "He's been telling me for two weeks now that he felt I would catch up. It's gracious, but I also think he's embracing for a late surge, trying to catch me off guard."

Adds McGuire: Sitch's team is still an obvious threat. I mean, he's lost out on points this season too. I think there have been a handful of occasions where he sat out a goalie who earned a shutout, and let's not forget that he's been without Stamkos (his Keeper) for most of the season. Had Stamkos been healthy, you could definitely argue that Sitch would have more goals, and may still be in the lead.

Well, that's the beauty of fantasy hockey, gentlemen and lady. You can never be sure of anything, except that Dick will go MIA every year.

"Apologies," said Dick.

Wise words, Dick.

Trade Deadline Mar. 2, 2017

Anyone up for a deal?

I awoke this morning to find Sitch hanging onto the League lead by a (ham) string. Safari continued his scoring rampage, and is now under a handful of points for the overall lead. Anticipation is at an all time high; I'm pretty sure Safari's more anxious than the first time he got laid.

"... More so," said Safari.

Anyways, as teams gear up for the last quarter of the season, Commissioner Randy would like to remind everyone that the PoV Trade Deadline is March 2nd, 2017, which is one day after the NHL Trade Deadline. I'm not sure if we're going to see anything on the trade wires this year (it's been fucking quiet!) and teams may be too close to one another to pull the trigger. Nonetheless, the deadline date has been published and you've been told.

Trade wisely, my friends.

- Commissioner Randy

WK19 - Roar

Happy Family Day my select-GM's.

While most of you have planned to take it easy today by sleeping in, making breakfast for lunch and heading out to the slopes for some recreational fun, Sir Fucking Randy remains dedicated to his craft and #HAMs away at the office. But, he understands the need for some time to rest, so he's given the day off to his secretaries. It's great for both parties; the ladies need their beauty sleep, and Sir Fucking Randy could use a day off from having double D's in his face.

"Likewise," said Dick Burns.

WK19 is in the books and I know one particular select-GM is prospering more than the roaring twenties.

"Roaring, you say?" chimed in a giddy, blushing Safari.

Why, yes indeed, I did say roaring (extra Katy Perry), and it's quite fitting as Safari has had a stellar run as of late. Let's look at the visuals, courtesy of the stats machine:

Safari was this week's top bread winner (two-weeks consecutive), bringing home 157.50 fantasy points, second behind Sitch who had 141.35. Safari has brought home 314.20 fantasy points over the last two weeks, about 50 fantasy points more than Sitch in that span and has thus closed the distance on the number one position.

Adds McGuire: It's been his forwards, Commissioner Randy. His snipers are starting to find the back of the net, and week-over-week Safari's improved his shot % from 9.85% to 10.08%. That's a huge improvement intra-week. He's almost at a 3.00 PPGP for players too, a rate that had only been achieved by Burgundy and Sitch.

Indeed, Safari's players have done a lot of heavy lifting this week; let's see if he'll be a victim of ebbs and flows, or if he'll continue to erect himself like buildings in Dubai.

Sitch still leads overall with a 3.26 PPGP (up from 3.25), but it was Safari who had the biggest improvement in his PPGP. He's now up to 3.21 (up from 3.17). He's still trailing Sitch, but the gap is closing fast. Considering that Safari was scoring at a 3.06 PPGP just over a month ago shows you just how insane his point production has been in the last couple of weeks. Can we expect this to continue?

Adds McGuire: We might, especially since Safari has exposure to teams that are running off of high adrenaline and momentum. On top of coaching changes, Safari has teams that have turned their fortunes and suddenly find them in the race for final playoff positions (Boston, Winnipeg and St. Louis). I guarantee teams will only be playing harder once the snow melts and Spring fills the air. If I were Sitch, I'd be nervous!

No big changes to the Rainbow, but like I said earlier, Safari's been able to improve his shot % significantly week-over-week, while maintaining his other stats. Impressive results.

Adds McGuire: I'm so glad you brought that up - excellent point, Commissioner. Safari's been so good this week on offense, but his goalie stats have also held up and he's now got the second best goalie stats. Who would have thought that? Remember when Tree Bone and Dick were running away with it? Safari's chipped away slowly, collecting monstrous shutouts on the way, and now is well-positioned. Amazing! 

And finally, the Rank. No changes week-over-week.

Anyways, aside from hockey, this is Family Day, so I thought I'd provide an update to all readers on what our favourite select-GM's are doing on this holiday. This update may or may not include true or untrue statements; it's at the mercy of my inside sources and I take no responsibility for how accurate these updates may be. Nonetheless, I think my sources credible so let's do a little "I Spy", shall we?

Sitch - Family Day is Fitness Day at House of Sitch. There's always more carbo-loading to do, more plates to squat and more mirrors to pose, and Sitch plans on doing all of that on Family Day. No time for friends or family, all the time in the world for fitness.

Burgundy - Has been a man of mystery as of late, in the sense that I haven't heard a peep from him in ages, though I do know he's regularly active on social media interactions. He was last seen cracking a few hard boiled eggs, salivating over egg whites and taking in some great television. A fanatic of all things sports, he's been reported to have given NBA All-Star 2017 his undivided attention, applauding it and grading the event light years ahead of NHL All-Star Weekend.

Safari - Has been slaving away this Family Day, doing everything he possibly can to dethrone Sitch from the top of the League. But aside from hockey, he's also been wheeling and dealing, cashing in on his negotiation skills and planning big things. Being a man who is able to get what he wants, I've been told that he gets compensated for international flights, and he's planning a trip to North America this year again. It may just be rumours, but my spidey senses tell me he's coming.

Tree Bone - A select-GM who gives zero-fucks, she's off doing better and more important things, such as making a difference in children's lives, though she has self-admittedly said she sometimes wishes to punch a few of them kiddies. I can't confirm this, but I believe Tree Bone may be hitting the slopes this Family Day, which consists of skiing to the max and grabbing a greasy plateful of poutine.

Dick Burns - Dick Burns is off serenading East Coast Tail with his Morgan Freeman-esque voice, trapping innocent honies who don't know what hit them. Sporting a "Thank You For Your Daughters" sign, Dick Burns really knows how to celebrate Family Day in style.

Until next time, gentlemen and lady.

- Sir Fucking Randy

Next Question with AznSitch

The third edition of Next Question focuses on last year's third-best piece of meat, AznSitch. My pudgy body can barely keep up with this man; he's always up to something, whether it's pumping iron or ironing shirts. Fortunately, I was able to work out (no pun intended) a time with him on one of his off-days.

Salutations, AznSitch.

Hazzz! Commissioner Randy!

Hazzz!

Indoor voice, Sitch. Indoor voice.

Oh, right! Sorry!

Thank you. How have you been?

I'm doing very well, Commissioner Randy. As you can see, I'm atop the rankings in PoV, and I think there's a good shot I'll be challenging for top spot by season's end. Safari is giving me a good run for my money, but I think with hard work and dedication I can prevail.

Your vocabulary seems to be much better than in prior years. What gives?

Oh, has it?! Hazzz! Thanks Commissioner. I owe it to my body plan - or should I say, brain plan. I've been hard at work on my torso for the better part of two decades now, so in the last couple years I've decided to include brain plans.

What does that entail?

Reading, mostly. I try to read one or two books a month; it's not earth-shattering by any means, but I think the goal of reading a few books a month can help open up my mind and also give me some vocab. Hell's yeah!

What have you been reading?

Burgundy gave me a book to read a while back around Christmas (the Undoing Project). I've worked my way through that, and now I'm onto a few fiction novels. I always try to blend fiction and non-fiction into my reading though; it's good to have both flavors.

Does this help with your abilities as a select-GM?

I think so. I mean, it depends on what I read, but I've come across some books that talk about mindset, statistics and psychology, and they all have the same rhetoric: data > emotion. People can get caught up in stories, hypes, etc. but data is what really matters at the end.

So you use data over emotion when it comes to the PoV?

I try to. I mean, yes, sometimes I lose out on picking up a hot player because I just don't believe he can sustain his productivity, but that also means that I safeguard myself against dropping players that are just in a short-term rough patch.

Any examples?

Voracek comes to mind. He had a 'bad' year last year, after having great success the previous three seasons. I look at that and say, "Hey, that guy's alright. He's still squatting, carbo-loading and young. He'll be fine."

He has done significantly better than last year.

It's all in the data. It might not always work out (P.S. I love working out), but more often than not you will be rewarded for doing your homework.

I can't argue with that. Now, how are things outside of hockey? GoodLyfe still treating you well?

Absolutely. Changing the world one lift at a time. Business is good. But I must say that I personally haven't felt as good physically lately.

How so?

I don't know if it's that I'm getting older, or if life is just getting more chaotic, but I'm finding it harder and harder to dedicate time to the iron paradise. I still go frequently, but my mind's always thinking of other things while I'm there, so it's harder to focus.

Focus on what?

Werkin' out, Commissioner Randy! I still man up and do it, but there are times where I'm pumpin' and I just don't get that same adrenaline rush. Or, I'm not pumping the same weight I used to. I used to think MaxPump (i.e. pump to your limits), but now I'm leaning towards LongPump (i.e. pump for your longevity).

Are you seeing different results?

Not really. Psychologically I just feel like I "could do better", that's all. Sitch hates to settle, and sometimes he feels like he is!

Well, aside from fitness business, you've also ventured out into apparel I hear.

Yes, I've ventured out into apparel. It kind of just came out of nowhere, you know. With my sculpted bod, it was difficult finding clothes that fit, so I started looking for solutions. Then once I found some solutions, others wanted in on it too.

And it's a viable business?

It's like anything else I put my mind to, Commissioner Randy. Start slow, grow slow. 

Things going well?

Like Dick said about his production company, it's exhilarating because you call your own shots; you're responsible for the outcomes of your decisions.

Challenging?

Yes, of course. You know, it's very different to understand what 'comfort' means to people. Like, how do you explain to someone why a piece of clothing feels comfortable? We all know that the most 'comfortable' clothes probably aren't the best looking, right? Well, the challenge then becomes comfort vs look. People want to look good, but how much comfort are they willing to sacrifice for it?

It is somewhat of a mind-fuck. Speaking of mind-fucks, anyone giving you a scare in the PoV?

Of course. The Silver Lion and Bodacious Burgundy are both catching up to my finely chiseled ass, threatening to take away my victory. But, I think I'll have the inside edge in the fourth quarter.

Why's that?

Let's not forget that my Stamkos has been out since mid-November and is projected to return mid/late March. I've been able to keep this pace so far without my bona fide sniper; assuming he returns and is playing the way he should, I'll be in good shape. It'll be like acquiring a game-breaker at trade deadline, without having to make a trade.

You're assuming that you will maintain your current productivity, though.

Jeah, so?

There are risks in making assumptions.

Don't jinx me, Commissioner.

... No comment.

WTF are you doing to me, Commissioner?!

WK18 - Hot Pursuit

'A' for effort, but can he keep up the pace?

Oh my, things are getting interesting.

WK18 has wrapped up, and Sitch is feeling the heat on the back of his chiseled neck.

"You can say that again" said Sitch, mid dead lift. "I can't relax for even a second. Everyone's creeping up on me. I can barely get a spoonful of rice in me without being bumped from behind!"

Sounds like a Japanese porn star if I've ever heard one. Here are the stats, courtesy of the stats machine:

Sitch still retains the number one ranking, but it was Safari who took home the most points this week with 156.70, just edging out second-place Burgundy who had 150.40. Safari put on an absolute show this week, amassing big points from his forwards and picking up a couple of shutouts from his goalies.

Adds McGuire: I'm in shock, to be quite honest, about the shutouts. Does he have good goalies? Yes. Does he play them well? Yes. But would I expect to see him with twice - sometimes three times! - as many shutouts compared to other select-GM's? Absolutely not. He's a monster with 14 shutouts this season, and we're only 60% of the way through!

Given the massive points accumulations this week, Safari and Burgundy were the most improved PPGP select-GM's: both increased their PPGP by +0.03; Safari now sports a 3.17 PPGP while Burgundy flexes a 3.18. Sitch still leads overall with a 3.25.

"Go fuck yourself, Sitch Diego!" said Burgundy.

Calm yourself, Burgundy.

The Rainbow is telling Commissioner Randy that Burgundy needs some serious help in the goalie department. But, it's also important to note that Burgundy has played about 20 fewer goalie games than Sitch and Safari, so his stats may change significantly should he cash in on the games in hand. His goalie statistics are overdue for a run, and we might just see that in the next two weeks.

"Ebbs and flows, bitches," said Burgundy.

No change to the rankings, though Sitch has now been at the top for 11 weeks consecutive.

"Hazzz!" screeched Sitch.

Stay tuned, gentlemen and lady. Looks like we're in for a wild finish.

Cordially,

Sir Fucking Randy

WK17 - Liftoff

Like Gaga, Randy's PoV is going airborne.

WK17 is in the books, though most of the world cared more about Super Bowl LI this week, and I can't blame them. That was pretty ridiculous, wouldn't you say?

"Gotta hand it to Gaga," said Safari. "She don't disappoint."

I agree. While her fashion sense may not be my cup-o-poutine, I give her full marks for theatrics (literally) and performance. I don't personally know anyone who has the balls (or ovaries) to launch herself off the rafters of a football stadium and dangle above 70K spectators, doing aerial flips, singing at near-perfect pitch and hanging on to dear life. And by life, I mean microphone. What would have happened if, upon her launch, a gust of wind or some other minor malfunction caused her to lose her grip with the microphone? She would have been fucked, no?

"I never even thought of that," said Burgundy. "She's got steel ovaries."

She sure does, dear Burgundy. And she soared high above the stadium like a champ. Her surge seemed to parallel the point accumulations we've seen in PoV lately too. So, before we get off-track with football, let's look at this week's statistics, courtesy of the stats machine:

Sitch still leads overall in the League, but it was Burgundy who amassed the most fantasy points this week (169.40). The League was more productive on a whole this week, with the average point accumulation being 143.70. For stat heads interested, that's the highest average point accumulation we've had this year.

"Sounds like the League is carbo-loading," said Sitch, "which is a great organic performance enhancement for those wishing to reach the next level for a specified period. And with the Bitch-It's-Sitch! program, you'll be able to find out all the answers to carbo-loading and learn about micro-carbo pumps --"

SILENCE you meathead!

With League productivity being at an all time high, PPGP also Crosboned higher. Burgundy was the most improved PPGP select-GM this week, improving his PPGP from 3.08 to 3.14 (+0.06), closey followed by Sitch, who improved from 3.22 to 3.26 (+0.04). Burgundy and Safari now both sport 3.14 PPGP; though they are still behind Sitch, they're not far off.

No major changes to the Rainbow, though I wanted to mention that Safari's got 12 shutouts for the year; that's an impressive haul considering the next best select-GM is Tree Bone with seven.

And finally, no changes to Rank. These latest statistics get me excited though; I love me a good statistical erectile explosion to the upside, especially when it's felt from all select-GM's. Sitch has been atop the rankings for too long now, and I want someone to behead the meat.

"Cold, Commissioner!" cried Sitch.

I'm looking at you, Safari and Burgundy. You have less than half a season now to take this Asian Situation down a notch, as I believe the remaining select-GM's are out of it; Dick is officially spreading his butter on lobster tails on the East coast, while Tree Bone is stuck in La La Land.

Competition is greatest when the stakes are high and the margins are small, very much like Super Bowl LI. You had three quarters of absolute domination by one team, followed by one quarter of what I consider to be the most ridiculous comeback I've ever witnessed in the NFL. (I admit, I don't watch NFL, but that game last night was still insane.)

Super Bowl LI did make me feel very thankful about the NHL, though. Being someone who doesn't watch the NFL, I was perplexed with the overtime format. I was in a state of shock about the overtime rules, specifically that if the starting offensive team successfully scores a touchdown, then the game is over. How is that fair? I don't understand the logic or reason behind this. Can someone explain it to me?

"God bless the NHL, where a true championship is won by a whole team effort and is done so fairly," said Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.