ROA 5 - the Bathhouse (Part 1)

Alright, time to blow your fucking minds. The last few ROAs were scribbled down with a serious tone; apologies to those who were looking for shenanigans. I promise this post will make up for it.

During the first week of my travels, I was brought to a bathhouse. Whenever you think of bathhouse (or massage parlor), you automatically think of 'happy endings' and other inappropriate things.

"Ain't that the truth," said Burgundy.

Anything can happen in a bathhouse, especially those situated in Asia and Europe, right? Well, let me tell you right now: there aren't any 'happy endings' or scandalous ladies in this story. But, it's a baller story no less.

For starters, this was no ordinary bathhouse. You needed a membership, and this membership costs around $40,000 CDN per year. A businessman I know took me to the facility and gave me the grand treatment. I wasn't sure what to expect; despite being rich myself, I have never actually been a member to any pristine clubhouse or society, mostly because I don't feel the need to pamper myself. I get pampered enough from my sex-crazed secretaries.

Get back to work, Vanessa.

Anyways, I was taken to a downtown skyscraper in Shanghai. I was a bit confused because I thought the bathhouse would have been located in the outskirts of town, away from all the urban structures. I looked at the skyscraper and said, "Here?"

"Yes, here we are," said the businessman.

We went in through the main doors. No big surprises; a pair of revolving doors, a few stairs, white walls. It was kind of dull, actually. Then, we hit the elevators and went up some fifteen floors.

"The bathhouse is fifteen floors up?" I asked.

"Yes," said the businessman.

My ears popped, and then the elevator doors opened. My eyes were shown a grand lobby, complete with heavy leather couches, mahogany tables and marble everything. Not necessarily my taste, but I could tell it was expensive.

Looked something like this.

We walk to reception and are greeted by a service woman.

"Welcome back, Mr. Businessman," says the service woman.

"Hello," says the businessman. "I've brought company for this evening," he continues, tilting his head towards me. "We'll be having dinner here, but later."

"Fantastic," says the service woman. "Would you like a snack for the time being?"

"What a wonderful idea," said the businessman. "Yes, let's. And afterward we'd like to use the pools. Then follow that up with a back scrub. We'll grab dinner after that, and finish off with a 100 minute massage."

"... 100 minutes?" I ask.

The businessman looks at me and grins. "Yes," he says.

"Sounds great," replied the service woman. "Please follow me."

The service woman leads us to a room with lazy-boy couches and flat screens. The businessman and I sit, chat and are presented some snacks (a few spring rolls, soup appetizer and rice cakes). About a half hour passes before we see the service woman again.

"The pools are ready for you," she says.

"Thank you," said the businessman. "Let's go."

We get to the change rooms and the businessman looks at me. "Follow my lead," he says.

He opens a locker; I do the same. He grabs a pair of slippers from the bottom and slaps them on the ground; so do I. He begins unbuttoning every piece of clothing until he's completely naked; I do the same (with some hesitation). Then, he removes his glasses; I do too.

"SERVICE MAN!" screams the businessman, like a quarterback calling a play. "Run me a shower! And do the same for my friend here!"

I'm taken aback by the strict orders, mostly because I feel vulnerable from being naked. The businessman storms off toward the showers and pools; he moves fast (especially for a naked man). I try to follow, but my glasses are off and locked in the locker so my vision is limited. And for some bloody reason this bathhouse will give you all the slippers you'd ever need, but not a towel.

Through the magic of sonar, I find my way to the pools.

I'm completely naked, nearly blind, and I'm only wearing slippers. The businessman is already in one of the side rooms taking a shower, and I'm completely fucked.

"Would you like some assistance?" says a blurry figure that I cannot make out.

"Uh, why, yes, yes I would," I respond in shaky Mandarin.

"Right this way..." says the blurry figure.

ROA 4 - Guardians

We've all heard about China's One Child Policy (OCP) at one point or another. Mainstream media, long ago, made the term OCP as fluent as common phrases we're used to hearing today, such as Weapons of Mass Destruction ("WMDs"), Quantitative Easing ("QE"), War on Terror and Net Neutrality.

Sure, we know what OCP means; it's pretty self explanatory. It was part of a population planning policy in China - introduced in 1980 - and its objective was to control overpopulation. OCP was very much a social engineering initiative and stipulated that families have only one child each in an effort to relieve the demand on resources and to control the then-surging population. It has since been changed to a Two Child Policy.

Today's ROA touches on a social byproduct of OCP which I never thought about. It has to do with the child who was born under the OCP regime and the child's respective guardians. As a man, Mr. Fucking Randy judges people all the time; anyone who says they 'don't judge' is full of shit. But how does Mr. Fucking Randy judge people? Well, I'll share my best practices (a few quick rules, if you will) that I use often. These include, but are not restricted to, the following:

How the person treats a customer service rep - This could be a technical support staff over the phone, a waitress, a bellboy, etc. Customer service reps are at the mercy of the customer all the time; it's one of the toughest jobs to do, especially because the customer is NOT always right. But you can count yourself fucked (potentially fired) if you ever question a customer. Anyone who treats a customer service rep unnecessarily like shit is immediately put on Randy's Caution List; these people  are abusing power and likely think they're better than poutine (which is impossible).

How the person treats Mr. Fucking Randy when s/he doesn't need Mr. Fucking Randy - When you need something, you'll be anybody's bitch, but what about when you DON'T need something? The best people treat their peers the same way every time, regardless of their own needs.

How the person has raised their child - Cannot be used in all circumstances because not everyone has children, but parenting tells a lot about an individual, and this has been the third metric I've used consistently to judge a person.

However, my trip to the Orient has shown that the last metric, may need to be taken off my list. I'll explain.

A common stereotype for an only child is that they are spoiled, socially awkward or a loner; the child doesn't have any siblings, so it's more likely that s/he will be more accustomed to getting whatever s/he desires and unwilling to accommodate when others are present.

"I'm an only child," said Dick Burns, "and I don't believe I have these problems."

Agreed, Dick. It is an unfair stereotype. But it is a common stereotype nonetheless. Therefore, if you were a child born under the OCP, it wouldn't be surprising if you had these qualities to some degree.

But here's where things become insanely chaotic. In many parts of China, both parents work full time; it's almost a must in today's economy since the country is highly populated and cost of living is expensive (if you think the real estate in Toronto or Vancouver are crazy, just look up Shanghai real estate and you'll be shocked). So, if both parents are working, they'll hire a nanny to look after their child. Childcare duties will also be taken care of by grandparents (from both sides of the family), so in total a child will have as many as seven guardians raising him/her on a regular basis:

1. Father

2. Mother

3. Nanny

4. Grandpa - Father's side

5. Grandma - Father's side

6. Grandpa - Mother's side

7. Grandma - Mother's side

Considering the child won't see his/her parents on regular basis, the tendency for grandparents to spoil their grandchildren and the nanny's childcare methods, the child will experience varying degrees of parenting. The rules set by Mother and Father will ultimately differ from Grandpa and Grandma, and inconsistencies start popping up all over the place.

Kids need rules or else they'll run wild, which is why I used to judge people based on how they raised their children. What you pass onto your children is ultimately a reflection of who you are, so that's why I thought it was a good way to judge a person. But given the byproduct that OCP has done to many children in the Orient, this philosophy can't be applied fairly anymore.

"This is a known problem," said a local I spoke with while on holiday. "Parents are handing off their children to grandparents and nannies because they need to make ends meet financially. But then when they do get time with their child, they get challenged on almost everything they do. Kids prefer their grandparents because grandparents tend to be spoilers and more lenient. Arguments erupt between child, parent and grandparents over this, and it can be dangerous."

I thought about this dilemma, and it really sucks when you think about it. Everyone just wants what is best for the child, but too much influence from too many different people can cause more harm than good. The child grows up in a very unstable disciplinary environment which will influence how they turn out as adults. I'm sure this happens all the time in North America as well, but I think the OCP has amplified this situation in the Orient.

"Yikes, never thought of that," said Burgundy, nodding. "I guess that's why countries only have one President. It's best to have a unified voice and message. One, unified, Trump."

"Lord have mercy on all of our souls!" cried Tree Bone.

WK7 - GM's Quarterly I

Hello there, my fellow select-GM's. It's time.

WK7 is here which also marks the first quarter-mark of Randy's PoV. With the majority of NHL teams reaching the 20 games-played milestone, Sir Fucking Randy will review the quarter's results and show you who's hamming it and who's getting hammed. But, before that, let's look at this week statistics, courtesy of the stats machine:

Dick Burns continues to lead the way, having a slight edge over second-place Sitch (about 18 points or so). Sitch, however, has stopped Dick Burns's streak of being top bread winner; the meat-headed legend crushed it this week, taking in a whopping 177.40 fantasy points, well ahead of the League-average of 137.36.

Sitch could not be reached for comment, but flashed his biceps through a window at his GoodLyfe Body Centre towards reporters who hadn't been paying attention. Sitch can thank Malkin, the $64 million dollar man, recent free agent pick-up Rinne, and Jones for turning in incredible weeks; each player brought home an average of 20+ fantasy points.

"Fuckin' meat-heads," said a disgruntled Burgundy.

As a byproduct of his successful week, Sitch was also able to boost his PPGP right to the League-average of 3.12 (he was previously operating at an inefficient 2.94). However, Dick Burns still trounces the competition, comfortably humming at a 3.32 PPGP. Safari and Burgs saw their PPGP's decrease to 3.00 and 3.05, respectively, while Tree Bone has maintained a PPGP of 3.13 (previously 3.15).

 In terms of the Rainbow, we're not seeing too much of a change here, but goalie statistics are on the downtrend, which is normal given that more games have been played. Hot goalies are starting to plateau, cold goalies are returning to form, and as a result, goalie-PPGP are averaging out. A mere two weeks ago, the average goalie-PPGP was 5.26, but has dropped to 4.93 since then. That being said, Dick Burns and Tree Bone still dominate the goalie field; they both sport a 2.00 GAA (or lower) and have goalie-PPGP of over 5.50.

In terms of Ranking, Dick Burns has now been atop the rankings for three weeks consecutive, closely followed by Sitch, who has climbed into the number two position. Burgundy, who had spent a week at number one, has had a roller-coaster ride, having occupied all but the number five position over the weeks.

"What can I say?" said Burgundy. "Lovin' 'dem ebbs and flows."

Alright, now that we've had our dosage of weekly statistics, let's get into the Quarterly Awards.

SELECT-GM OF THE QUARTER - DICK BURNS

(Honourable mention: Donald Trump)

The Dick is swinging hard. Really hard. Over the course of the first Quarter, no select-GM has been more dominant than Team DB, and no goalie has been more dominant than Carey Price (Dick's Keeper).

"Listen, I said I was going to be fully engaged this year," said Dick Burns, grabbing his crotch with a grin. "I'm going to stick with it and show all you select-GM's how it's done."

He leads in Total Points and PPGP. He also leads in Ladies Sacked. (Disclosure: Ladies Sacked is an unofficial statistic of the Randy Leagaues - Sir Fucking Randy takes no responsibility or liability, so far as legally possible, for the defense and/or proof of this statistic.)

JARED COWAN OF THE QUARTER - SAFARI

(Honourable mention: Hillary Clinton)

After storming out of the gates with a four-goal performance from Matthews, Safari was looking like he'd be a top contender during this year's PoV. He was able to maintain the hot hand for the first month, but has since cooled off, now finding himself near the bottom of the League. Matthews is no longer part of his roster, along with several others. (Safari has to date been the most active select-GM, partaking in 16 player transactions.)

We keep waiting for the year of the Golden-Lion. Will he be able to recover after a sub-par first quarter?

"Save me, my lord. SAVE ME!" cried Safari.

Honourable mention goes to Hillary Clinton. She got effed, for obvious reasons.

"I was going to be the First Lady's Man," said an upset Bill Clinton.

STEALTH OF THE QUARTER - TREE BONE

(Honourable mention: Burgundy)

She's conspiring.

She's maintained a 3.00 PPGP or better this entire season. She dropped her Keeper (Kane) in favour of Pastrnak. She holds one of the top goalies in the League (Dubnyk). And she has Connor McDavid.

I was shocked to see her drop Kane, and I know from transaction reports that the waiver-claims went nuts that day (Kane ultimately went to Burgundy), but Little Miss Tree Bone has something up her sleeve, and she's got games-in-hand to camouflage her performance. Don't count this lady out.

Honourable mention goes to Burgundy, who has slowed in the last few weeks, but now holds Crosby and Kane. I think that's as lethal as it gets.

All in all, a great first quarter, select-GM's. We're well into the thick of things, but no one has been left in the dust. Play on, play hard, and play smart.

Cordially,

Morpheus Randy.

ROA 3 - The Cost of Growth

I preface this post by saying that the tone shall be different versus the previous ROAs. There won't be any translation mix-ups with a bag lady or infatuations with over-eaters. No, this post shall be more serious and grown up; but don't worry, Mr. Fucking Randy has more stories that will fulfill your immature fixes.

The Orient is a crazy-fucking place. There are millions upon millions of people left, right and centre doing things at warp speed. A dense population usually leads to significant societal, industrial and infrastructure-related problems; in turn, this leads to solutions, many of which are influential and clever. Learning about these solutions was, without a doubt, one of the most interesting parts of my adventure.

For example, North America is still very dependent on plastic cards and cheques as payment. These types of methods are becoming extinct in the Orient. I mentioned 'cheques' to someone while on my trip and they laughed at me.

"Who the fuck uses cheques nowadays?" they shouted.

I was shocked; apparently, cheques really aren't a thing anymore because it just takes way too much time to process. And when you are in a highly dense, competitive area, time is even more valuable, which means that non-value added efforts (i.e. processing a cheque) gets pushed out faster in favour of new and innovative methods. (FYI North America still values cheques, and most people are just becoming familiar with depositing a cheque via mobile deposit: this practice would be laughed at in the Orient.)

I was at a busy Chinese restaurant with someone during my first week and was looking to snag the bill and pay for the meal (Mr. Fucking Randy is a gentlemen and always pays). But before I could even flag the waitress down, my friend had already paid for the entire meal.

"WTF?" I asked.

"I paid via WeChat. No worries, Randy," said my friend.

WeChat is huge in the Orient, just like WhatsApp or Line. It's also a verified payment system in most of the Orient, so the practice of using debit/credit is getting fazed out. Mobile payment is one of the fastest, most convenient payment methods in the Orient, to the point that it is rare for a company NOT to accept it. As soon as a customer pays, the vendor receives a notification, authenticating the payment, and an e-invoice is sent to both parties as reference. When I think of it that way, it does make a mobile cheque deposit seem ridiculous.

"Isn't this (mobile payment) a bit dangerous?" I asked my friend.

"Yes, it is," he replied. "But no more dangerous than someone stealing your wallet or your credit card, or your identity."

I could see his point. To me, mobile deposits seem dangerous, mostly because I don't use it. But, stealing a wallet or forging fraudulent cheques could easily be as damaging.

Another incredible solution I heard about was bridge building. China's expanding infrastructure has caused immense increased competition in construction. People want things built better, faster and stronger than ever before. A local told me that a construction company was able to lay down 40kms of highway in one year. That's 40kms, not 4kms. How are they able to do this?

With growth, comes competition. Increased competition leads to innovation and knowledge. Here's an example of insane construction innovation:

This bridge builder eliminates the need for cranes, and instead builds bridges as it drives forward. Absolutely insane.

But there is a cost to all of this, a cost that I didn't think about at first because I was still in awe of the innovations. Economic growth is so damn important in the Orient, to the point that it essentially takes precedence over all other factors. The environment, for example, becomes second fiddle to economic growth, and poor air quality was very evident during my travels. I'm not saying that air quality was poor everywhere I went, but I could definitely tell that the air was denser. After a day of travelling, it wasn't uncommon for Mr. Fucking Randy to have a stuffy nose that needed cleaning. The use of cheap plastics (i.e. for containers, fast food, storage, etc.) is also common because it's the most affordable, but has potentially the worst effect on the environment. Everyone knows this, but continues to use plastics because switching is more costly, and at the end of the day, earning more is the most important.

High growth and competition has also had a significant impact on quality of life. The motive to be better, faster stronger puts people to work, but it also adds stress. This puts a premium on leisure time, and there is definitely less relaxation to go around.

"It's a tough cycle," said a local. "You need to remain competitive, so you work harder. But working harder usually means going out and drumming up more business. This costs money; accommodations, dinners, drinks, KTV, smokes and gifts - it's a lot. And you think you're doing all this stuff right and then some other hot shot schmoozer comes in and does what you do but with twice the bank roll. So that means you gotta double your bank roll. How many people are able to double their bank roll?

"On top of that, image is a big thing in the Orient, so everybody spends; cars, purses, clothes, you name it. It's the norm here. So, you work hard at your job to make more, but that means you gotta spend more to make it. It takes a toll on you."

I nodded, taking in all this information. We chatted some more about life in the Orient and how it compares to life in the Great White North. A lot of words were exchanged, but the local summed up the differences in one sweet line:

"In the Orient, it's hard to tell who's poor. In Canada, it's hard to tell who's rich."

Wise words, local.

WK6 - Pulling a Fass One

OK, it's a bit of an old joke, but you know what they say: great jokes stand the test of time.

WK6 is in the books, and this season appears to be going the way the 2012 Golden Globes went. Remember what happened?

"You can play golf ... with your hands behind your back."

You know you're going places when Mr. George Fucking Clooney is talking about the size of your phallus, comparing it to the likes of a sturdy driver. Well, that was Michael Fassbender he was talking to in 2012; in 2016 so far, I think George would give a hat tip (or hip swing) to Dick Burns.

Dick sits atop the rankings for a second consecutive week, and it looks like he's (so far) fulfilling his promise he made at the beginning of the season: he is going to stay in this League for its entirety and not go MIA. We all know Dick is a creature of habit, so it's very likely that he'll disappear soon enough, but for fuck's sake I sure hope he doesn't because he's absolutely crushing it.

Here are the stats, courtesy of the stats machine:

In a week that saw fewer games played, Dick was once again this week's top bread winner, bringing in home 113.20 fantasy points, closely followed by Tree Bone with 107.10. Dick can thank Jeff Carter and his goalies for punching in valiant efforts.

Not surprisingly, Dick continues to hold court in the PPGP category too, with a 3.33. Tree Bone, who is sitting idle in fifth position, actually has the second-best PPGP in the League with 3.15; watch out for the Lady, as she seems to be lurking in the shadows and waiting for an opportunity to make a move.

The Rainbow is showing something very interesting this year. It seems that offense, for the most part, is quite well distributed among the League. However, scoring has been down and the average PPGP for a player is 2.83. This has made Super-Saturday's very dull, and the meat and potatoes has really come from the back end, i.e. the goalies. Just look at the statistics from Dick Burns: 6.38 PPGP average for a goalie. That's more than double the PPGP for players. Insane!

Adds McGuire: An incredible observation, Commissioner Randy. I'd also like to bring up that Tree Bone, who's fifth, has a monstrous goalie PPGP as well. I really think she could challenge for a top three position if she maintains this goalie PPGP. Her offensive stats have been lagging, but I think that's more ebbs and flows, and with McDavid coming on strong, I feel that her numbers on offense are bound to reverse!

No change in rankings, just the way Dick Burns wants it.

Speak of Dick Burns, I received a message from the man just yesterday. I thought other select-GM's would be happy to hear this information. Though I did not correspond with him much, he did send a sincere text indicating that he's been reading up on the Randy Reports. I thank you, Dick Burns, for your continued readership. I am also happy to hear that you are alive and well, and I hope you return my text soon.

"Oh I will," said Dick Burns. "I'm just a bit busy with... golfing."

Wise words, Dick.

ROA 2 - Cashing in on Boredom

Though halfway around the globe, the Orient and North 'Merica (extra Trump) have a lot in common. Among the commonalities is cellphone addiction, and it's something I noticed astutely while shoving my way through one of Shanghai's 14 subway lines. (Sidenote: despite having 14 subway lines and being crowded, I found the subways in Shanghai very straight forward to use compared to the likes of New York and Toronto. Kudos to the urban planners of Shanghai.)

It seemed that everyone in the Orient had a phone and was on it constantly. And, they go to great lengths to ensure they can be on phones. There were a few rainy days during my trip (not many, thankfully), and it was on those days I noticed this phenomena. I try to spend rainy days indoors for the most part; Mr. Fucking Randy wears some pretty nice kicks, so it's best to keep his feet away from puddles and spit.

Anyways, during those rainy days, locals rode their mopeds while draped in raincoats. Nothing too out of the ordinary, right? Some even had decked out umbrellas made specifically for mopeds, which keeps the rider 'slightly' dryer and doubles as a driving distraction.

However, not every rider in Shanghai has the luxury of purchasing said moped umbrella, so they had to make do with over-sized raincoats. Perched atop an apartment complex with a hot cup of green tea cuddled in my hands, I gazed at an intersection, watching these daredevils swarm the pavement, making quick lefts and rights. I looked at those speedsters closely and noticed something; most only had one hand on the moped handlebars. The other hand was holding a cellphone, and both hand and phone were covered with a single, loose-leafed, clear Ziploc bag so that they could play with their phone without getting water damage! These riders are going faster than 40km/h on busy streets and it's fucking raining; playing on a phone while riding only adds to the chaos. What the fuck? How are they able to do this?

"It's them slitty-eyes!" said Burgundy, with a 'Vote Trump' button pinned to his lapel. "They can see out of them corners!"

"Racist!" cried Sitch. (Ironically, when Sitch cries, his eyes turn all 'slitty' as well.)

What are these locals doing on their phones to justify this behaviour? We all know about the dangers of using a phone while driving. In fact, someone I know recently got ticketed for driving while operating a mobile device and was penalized three demerit points and $490.

"... Steep," said Tree Bone.

However, crack-down on using a mobile device while driving (or riding) is pretty relaxed in the Orient. So, everyone continues to do it without a care in the world. But again, what are these locals doing on their phones?

I went to investigate and started asking people what they did the most on their phones. Was it emailing? Texting? Swiping left? What is so addicting about their phones that they couldn't even set it down when riding a moped in the rain?

"Live video feeds," said most of them.

Remember how everyone in 'Merica was nuts about Real World, Survivor, the Amazing Race and Jersey Shore?

On Burgundy's mahogany DVD shelf.

"Jeah! I love Jersey!" said Burgundy.

Those were all dubbed 'Reality Television', right? Well, apparently the 'big thing' right now in the Orient is live video feeds. Locals log onto an app and either (1) watch live streams of other people, or (2) start a live stream of themselves for others to watch. These can be everyday people, not necessarily celebrities or well known individuals.

"What are they streaming?" I asked.

Absolutely anything. If you want to watch live feeds, the app will show you what is trending, which channels are the most watched, etc. It includes most other social media features too, such as following certain channels, filtering channels... you get the gist. Most surprisingly though, the app allows you to make payments to the people providing the live streams, and the app will show which channels are receiving the most money. That's right, folks; when you broadcast yourself on a live stream, you can accept e-payments from viewers.

This Japanese girl, for example, streams live video of herself eating loads upon loads of food. She's a massive sensation (and stuffs down ridiculous amounts of food, might I add). The video below is sped up, but it was recorded live.

A local once told me that she was having a very, very bad day, and she logged onto the live streaming app and watched a feed of this woman she follows. Apparently she felt better after watching the feed, so she sent the woman 10,000 RMB (that's $2,000 CDN). Insane, no?

"You have to remember: just because it's crowded here, doesn't mean everyone's stimulated," said another local. "People here still live their daily lives in routine, and they want to escape reality and see something new. I think that's what live streaming can do. It's real, it's live, and people want to watch it in case they miss something."

I asked if the most viewed/paid content includes hot girls (I figured it would), but I was surprised to hear that it was not. Sometimes it's the most random videos and personalities that get attention.

Admittedly, I thought this live stream feed was a bit ridiculous. But then I discovered that Japanese girl who eats loads of food on Youtube. Watching her eat all that food is addicting, and I could see the appeal of seeing it live in action.

Either way, there is a market for this type of entertainment, and there are definitely people cashing in on it. I for one have yet to figure it out, but it's nice to know that the content people are streaming in public places may not be pornography after all.

"Speak for yourself," said Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.

WK5 - Dick Punch Advisory in Effect

God damn it, Dick Burns. Every year it's the same fucking thing.

"What is? My large phallus paired with screaming college babes?" asked Dick Burns, grinning.

Not what I was thinking, but valid nonetheless. I was actually referring to your performance within the Randy Leagues. Every single (fucking) year, Team DB comes out flying, dick-punching all competition in the process, and peers down from the top of the standings.

"Jeah, but he goes MIA around the holidays and Mr. Burgundy takes over!" said the Ronald, confidently.

Also true. But, will this year be the year that breaks that trend? Here are the statistics, courtesy of the stats machine:

Dick Burns was this week's top bread winner, amassing 160.70 fantasy points, a smidgen more than Safari's 159.70. Burgundy, last week's leader, was the week's lowest point accumulator, taking in 106.35 fantasy points.

In terms of PPGP, Safari has a lot to celebrate this week; his monstrous point accumulation --

Adds McGuire: That's my line!

Ah yes, who could forget about you, Pierre McGuire. It's been a while since we've seen your shiny bald melon around these parts.

Hey guys!

Adds McGuire: Oh yes, it's been a while indeed, but like Dick Burns, I'm coming into my Reporting duties in full force as well! Safari has been an absolute beast, a rhino on a mission. He improved his PPGP week-over-week by 0.16 and now sports a 3.15 PPGP. We all know, based on historical stats reports, that Randy League Champions average around 3.30 or more, so this is great news for Safari.

Indeed, McGuire, though it should be noted that Dick Burns still leads overall with a 3.36, followed by Burgundy with a 3.23.

Adds McGuire: I love this. Look at that Rainbow! There were a few select-GM's who wondered whether keeping Carey Price was a gamble for Dick Burns, but look at the stats now! Dick Burns is registering an average of 7.02 PPGP for goalie games. That's unprecedented, and mostly attributed to Price. What a stud!

And it looks like Dick is dominating in every goalie statistic as well. Though he may have some concerns with his forwards, it appears that most of the League is struggling to find offense (with the exception of Burgundy and his Crosbone).

Adds McGuire: Will this be the first of many weeks at number one for Dick Burns? He's got the best PPGP and point totals so far, and his goalies are running away with it. I'm no prophet (like Commissioner Randy) but methinks Dick is long overdue for a win!

"Methinks Dick is long. Period," said Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.

ROA 1 - Lost in Translation

Mr. Fucking Randy was born in North America and will forever be a North American.

"Jeah! 'Merica!" jeered Burgundy, Trump flag waving and all.

But, unbeknownst to many of you, Mr. Fucking Randy does know some Mandarin slang; he knows all the dirty words, slut-tastic curses and then some. Therefore, while in the Orient, Mr. Fucking Randy conversed in the mother tongue of the East, and did so quite eloquently. Now, that's not to say that there weren't a few hurdles (not to mention chuckles), but for the most part, things went pretty smoothly.

Speaking several languages is an asset, no doubt, and it is a common theme among us in the Randy Leagues. Why, Safari himself is able to speak multiple languages (English and Arabic), and we have a bilingual Tree Bone (English and French). And Dick Burns is fully fluent in English AND Kitten.

"What the fuck is Kitten?" asked Sitch.

Meow.

Kitten is the secret universal language that all women speak, Sitch. Only the most promiscuous men in the world can converse in Kitten. Knowing how to speak Kitten means knowing how to speak to women. Suffice to say, you cannot speak it.

"BITCH!" cried Sitch. (Rhyme!)

Anyway, I mentioned that there were a few language hurdles during my travels, so I'll share one particular event which was somewhat embarrassing and humorous. Upon my arrival in the Orient, I realized I had not brought a big enough backpack for day trips on foot; therefore, I went out shopping one fine morning to find a backpack that would satisfy my needs. I was giddy with the opportunity to test out my Mandarin.

While maneuvering around mopeds, winding sidewalks and spit-tacular citizens (seriously, spitting in public is out of control), I found my way to a department store that sells an assortment of travel packs. I looked around, casually eyeing a few. A saleswoman looked at me.

"These (the backpacks) are great; which one do you want?" she asked.

"Oh, I'm not sure. I'm browsing."

"This one is 1,000 RMB (~$200 CDN). Take it!" she said.

"Oh no. No no no, I need to look around for a bit."

"This one is great too! And this one, and this one, and --"

Yikes, I thought. That's the pace in the Orient. No one carters to window shoppers. There are too many things to buy, too many people to serve. Everyone seems to run on octane. If you're NOT quick, you're odd. Shopping has never been a favourite past time of mine, but it is even less pleasant in the Orient due to the high pace and in-your-face salespeople. And, given the language barrier, I would be considered 'slow' by most salespeople, therefore their patience with me would be marginal.

I moved on to another booth that had another saleswoman. I picked up a sturdy backpack that looked nice.

"That one is on sale today," she said.

"I like it," I replied.

We conversed a little more - with relative ease - and finally I made her an offer to purchase the bag. She smiled and scurried away to write up an invoice. Then, she came back and handed me the invoice and said something I could not understand.

"... What?" I asked.

She spoke again, but I couldn't understand. She pointed to the invoice and a string of numbers she had handwritten down on the top left corner. I stared at it.

Looked something like this...

"Um... OK, what is the number for?"

She said some more, and I was only able to pick out snippets of it. She said something in the vicinity of 'department store' and 'backpack' and 'membership'. I couldn't get much else out of it since her vocabulary was advanced and her pace was quick.

"Um... Miss, sorry, but I can't understand what you're saying. My Mandarin isn't the greatest," I said. Then, an idea struck me. "Oh, I know! Listen, Miss, I'm married," I continued, pointing to the ring on my finger. "My uh.. damn how do I say it.. my... uh... My wife! My wife! Right. My wife speaks and reads Mandarin. So how about you.. uh... shit... how about you... write down what the alphabet... no not alphabet... how about you write down what the numbers on the invoice mean in Mandarin characters, and I can show my wife later. She'll be able to tell me what it is for!"

I felt so proud. I was lost in translation, but figured out a solution. Then, the saleswoman looked at me.

"Oh!" she yelled, laughing. "Sir, this is the number you give to the cashier! It's not my phone number!"

Apparently, through my broken Mandarin and pointing at my ring, somehow this saleswoman thought I was trying to tell her that I was married, and wasn't interested in getting her phone number. Realizing this gaff, I also started chuckling and told her that was not my intent. I tried to explain it more, but then stopped as it was gradually getting more confusing.

I left with a new bag and a new perspective on my abilities to speak Mandarin.

"You idiot, she wasn't trying to give you her number," said Dick Burns. "She was trying to give you her number to give to me."

Wise words, Dick.

Bye bye! C U next time!

WK4 - Hung Like a Horse

Welcome back to Randy's Weekly Statistical Report.

Stats reporting will start with WK4, as Mr. Fucking Randy was away for the first three weeks on holiday. It's a shame, I know; it's the first time in four seasons that the stats reports will be technically 'incomplete'. What makes it even more unsettling is that the first three weeks had tremendous rank movement which would have been great for commentary.

".. And I was in first for most of it!" cried Safari.

Yes, indeed. I do apologize, dear select-GM's, but the reality is I was stuck in the Orient, playing in fields of rice. Upon my return to Canadian soil, I couldn't help but chuckle at the state of the rankings; once again, we've got a familiar face sitting atop the Randy Leagues.

"You betcha, bitches!" flexed Burgundy. "No need to compete with this Crosbone; I'm hung like a horse!"

"Jeah!"

So, here we go. Here are the stats, courtesy of the stats machine:

TOTAL POINTS (as of November 6, 2016)

1. 501.25 Ron Burgundy

2. 498.25 Dick Burns

3. 471.20 AznSitch

4. 454.40 African Lion Safari

5. 442.35 Tree Bone

Banking Blackhawks wins since 2007.

Burgundy has resumed his presence in the number one slot, thanks to hawk-eyed goaltending from Crawford and stiff-one-eyed boning from Crosbone. Dick Burns has been close behind, rallying from points acquired from his Montreal players (Weber and Price). Everyone else is marking time; they're close, but not close enough.

PPGP

1. 3.41 Ron Burgundy

2. 3.32 Dick Burns

3. 3.03 Tree Bone

4. 2.99 African Lion Safari

5. 2.91 AznSitch

Arguably the most important statistic, Burgundy also tops PPGP, thanks to efficient play, particularly from his skaters. He boasts a 3.20 PPGP for players (i.e. forwards and defense), whereas the League average is 2.90 PPGP. Handsome, no?

"Oh that looks good. Everyone, come see how good my PPGP looks!" screamed Burgundy.

Suffice to say, Burgundy is making quite the case for the threepeat. He's first in points and PPGP; there isn't much more you could ask for from the reigning Champion.

"Let's ask for a penis showdown. He says he's hung; I'd like to see him prove it," said Dick, pants unbuckling.

Wise words, Dick.

Oriental Bliss

One for each limb. #geddit

Randy's back from the Orient.

Apologies for not having any updates while away; Sir Fucking Randy was 'off the Google Grid', so to speak, as China's tunnel-visioned ways disallowed for access to Google products. I did have a temporary window of opportunity when I made my ways south to Taiwan, but time was limited. and my hands were busy with Asian things (and beings). Nonetheless, reporting duties will commence shortly, and I will have your regular statistical reports as well as other fine pieces published.

Some have been wondering if I will also pen a few pieces for Randy's Oriental Adventure series (aka. RoA), which I had done a few years ago. I will oblige, and will not disappoint. (Seriously, I've got some fuckin' good stories.)

Cordially,

Morpheus Randy