Next Question with Ron Burgundy

The fifth installment of Next Question (NQ) features former Randy League Champion, Ronald Burgundy. Yes, PoV is now over, but that doesn't mean that great journalism must stop abruptly. NQ had not been wrapped up by season's end, so I am continuing on with the tradition as the NHL heads into the playoffs.

Out of respect for last year's Champion (Burgundy), he's the last select-GM to be interviewed for NQ.

"Gracious of you, Commissioner," nods Burgundy.

Good evening, Ronald.

Good evening, Commissioner Randy.

How have you been?

It's been one hell of a ride this season, Commissioner. Coming off back-to-back Championships - and dethroning Sitch in the process - was an exhilarating experience, but it comes with a lot of pressure as well. I take this League very seriously, and for much of the first half of the season, I was cock-blocked. I felt pretty comfortable with my team, but they weren't delivering.

They seemed to have turned it up in Q4, though they came up short at the end.

Oh yes. With my Crosbone dominating, he really helped my team. He's returned to being the cornerstone (much like my beloved Corningstone) of my roster. (Though I don't think the Mrs. would appreciate me comparing her to Crosbone.)

"You`re comparing me to Crosbone?!"

Did you think you had enough to catch Safari?

Oh, I'm not sure about that. Listen, as you get older, you gain more perspective on things. Do I want to win? Hell yes. I will always want to win. But I know that I've won twice before, and you cannot possibly always think that you're going to win - that's just stupid.

Which Championship stands out more, out of the two?

Hmmm... you never forget your first. ("Amen," said Dick Burns, from an unidentified location.) Randy's Tri-Hard! was pretty insane because Sitch looked like he was well on his way to a third title belt in a row, but his team buckled right at the end while mine surged. After that a season I thought, "I can do this."

How do you feel about Safari taking it this year?

About two weeks ago I was very bullish on my prospects for overtaking the League; I had the hot hand. And Sitch was really starting to flounder with his injuries so I saw an opening. But that's the thing - this League is always very tight and the window to make your surge (extra Burg) is small. Safari got his mojo back and the rest is history.

Safari getting his mojo back.

Now aside from hockey, what's been on your mind?

I'm a lover of all professional sports, so I do follow other Leagues. I really enjoy the NBA, not just for the sport, but for the personalities too. I find the NHL can be a bit stiff around the edges at times; there's so much protocol on what players should say and do so the stories can be filtered and bland. I find the NBA is raw. I enjoy that. ("I also enjoy doing it raw," chimed in Dick Burns.)

How about aside from sports?

I've been getting more and more intrigued with real estate. It's fascinating, especially in the current environment we live in. Toronto's skyrocketing real estate makes me wonder how sustainable it is, and what the aftermath will look like. It reminds me a lot of what happens to Leaf fans at the Air Canada Centre, actually: there's huge demand, so prices go the highest bidders, which hurts those who are most loyal. Torontonians love their city and they love their Leafs, but in both instances they're getting pushed out because of money. What you end up with are high prices and no passion. Who wants to live in a city where all the buildings are held by foreign investors and at 50% occupancy? It could turn into a ghost town. Likewise with Air Canada Centre; you won't get the most loyal, proud and loud fans because the majority of seats are occupied by C-suite executives who care more about the sushi bar.

Insightful, Burgundy.

It really is a shame. As an apartment tenant, I don't necessarily have the burden of paying high prices for housing. But that doesn't mean that I wouldn't MIND owning a home. I love the idea of home ownership. I would love to have more living space so I could spread out my mahogany collection. But at these prices? Yikes.

"All I want is space for my mahogany collections."

You're an accomplished and distinguished Anchorman and select-GM. How do you not have the capital to finance a real estate purchase?

You know me, Commissioner Randy. I stack paper to my (rented) ceiling, but I also enjoy the finer things in life. I'm not like Sitch, who's a cheap monkey who pinches every earned penny with his dumbbell calloused fingers. I enjoy life: my bodacious body requires quality textiles and fabrics, from only the finest Eddie Bauer outlets. My feet deserve not just pristine soles, but shoes with soul. 

What's on the agenda for Ronald Burgundy, post fantasy?

I continue to work (obviously) and master my craft. But, I will also be taking some time off leading into the summer. I've heard that California air is to die for, so I'll be making a trip to the west coast for the first time. I'm looking forward to that.

That sounds lovely. Bon voyage, Burgundy, and see you next season.

Goodbye...?

WK26 - GM's Quarterly IV

And there it is.

WK26 (a.k.a. GM's Quarterly IV) is in the books, concluding yet another season of the Randy Leagues. I'm honoured to announce that this year's Randy League Champion goes to the (no longer) silver-backed lion, African Lion Safari.

"Oh, my, God," said a near-speechless Safari, choking away tears.

That's right, folks. We have a new Champion (and a first timer, no less). 

"Oh, virgins..." grinned Dick Burns.

The previous four seasons were dominated by back-to-back winners in Sitch (2013-2014) and Burgundy (2015-2016), but it is now the Lion's turn to walk with pride (extra rock). It's been a long time a-comin' for said Lion, who has finished just short of winning the title many times over.

Before we get into GM's Quarterly, let's look at the weekly statistics one final time, courtesy of the stats machine:

Safari, who was being chased for the last two weeks by Sitch and Burgundy, was able to hold off and bring home a League-leading 171.30 fantasy points over the last seven days, about 30+ points better than Sitch and Burgundy. Though he was cautious about celebrating early, it was pretty apparent by Friday night that he was going to take it.

"I received a premature congratulatory text from Sitch," said Safari, not at all surprised with Sitch's premature nature. "He's a good lad.

"I take serious precautions when it comes to hockey though," he added. "I treat my fantasy team the same way I treat my Leafs: with significant doubt. I've been burned too many times before with the Leafs; they've crashed and burned before (let's not bring up the Leafs-Bruins 2013 Game 7) and my fantasy team has done the same for years. This time around, my ambitions were conservative until the very end."

Going into the weekend, Sitch - who was second - trailed Safari by just over 50 points. While the gap could have been closed, it would have depended on Safari's team pulling a huge bagel during the final two days of play, which was unrealistic. Burgundy, who was about 80 points back going into the weekend, was also in the same boat.

"It's disappointing," said second-placed Sitch, exhausted from the season's grind. "I feel off about it, to be honest. I mean, I made it very clear from the beginning that I wasn't convinced with my team. But they surprised me. With so many weeks sitting at number one and pretty decent statistics to back it up, I felt I had a chance. But come trade deadline I was reluctant to make any crazy moves because I still wasn't sure if we had the roster to make that final push. Roster injuries (see Stamkos and Malkin) made me unsure if I could hold off competition until the end. Maybe I should have gambled a bit more..."

Disappointed Sitch.

"Likewise, I am also disappointed," said third-placed Burgundy. "A threepeat as Champion would have been nice to add to my mahogany trophy case. Crosbone had one hell of a season, and I managed to pick up Patrick Kane at the same time. God damn it! I had the tools to do it. I really did. I just had a horrendous start and ran out of time at season's end... had the season been another week longer, I think I could have closed this out."

Burgundy, at a loss for words.

Tree Bone, who finished fourth, didn't have much to say, except, "I love Vegas!"

"Congratulations Safari - you really deserve it," said Dick Burns, who placed fifth and will be picking first overall in next year's draft. "I'm going to be honest; I (once again) wasn't very active in the back half of the season. I really wanted to be, but there were too many things going on on the East Coast. I was - and still am - running my production company, as well as branching out into stand-up comedy! And to top it all off, the ladies have been all over me, trying to snuggle my trunk. Some of these ladies are insane; they spend their days making S&M props and whips and watch PG Disney movies at night. What am I to do with these crazed felines?!"

Dick added, "I'll see you guys at the next draft, with two minutes to spare!"

With this being the close of Quarter IV, let's dish out some awards too.

SELECT-GM OF THE QUARTER - SAFARI

(Honourable mention: Burgundy)

Do I need to say more? He turned up production when it mattered most and dethroned Sitch from first, and managed to stave off the competition for the rest of the season. Though he wasn't the quarter's biggest producer, he was damn close. Safari brought him 907.40 fantasy points over the quarter (averaging 3.44 PPGP over that span).

Burgundy gets honourable mention as he was actually the quarter's most productive select-GM, bringing home 1,004.45 fantasy points (averaging 3.46 PPGP). Those are some phenomenal statistics, absolutely off the charts. Too bad it wasn't enough to propel him into first.

For those interested, Sitch's productivity lagged significantly. He took in 790.25 fantasy points (averaging 3.15 PPGP in the process).

JARED COWEN OF THE QUARTER - SITCH

(Honourable mention: Tree Bone)

"Fucking filthy!" cried Sitch.

Sitch gets the JC Award because his team floundered in the Quarter that mattered the most. He had been leading the League all season long, never having any blowout weeks, but always consistently banking good numbers. His team acted like a prototypical Warren Buffet investment; consistent, safe and predictable.

But then in Quarter IV, injuries took over and one of his star players, Brent Burns, went dry. The shortfalls of his team began to show and at season's end he was left staring at the Lion's ass.

BUSY BEE OF THE QUARTER - DICK BURNS

(Honourable mention: Tree Bone)

Looks a bit like Dick.

Dick Burns has been busy as fuck this Quarter, so busy in fact that he neglected to fulfill his responsibilities as a select-GM. While he was actively participating in the League up to Christmas, he became utterly distracted going into the New Year. His commitments to running his production empire swallowed up all his spare time and required his undivided attention. As previously mentioned, he also ventured out into stand-up comedy, apparently giving his two cents on NFLD customs. And, to top it all off, he's fending off honey bunnies.

"Trials and tribulations," said a nonchalant Dick Burns.

As a man who is all about the arts, Dick is constantly working with the industries top and aspiring artists. And, being a man of power with his juggernaut productions company and executive position at a highly regarded theatre, he attracts many talented, bone-thirsty bunnies.

"It's tough," said Dick. "I take my roles very seriously so there cannot be any conflict of interest or threat to independence when I audition artists. I would never jeopardize my professionalism for a quick joy bounce.

"That being said, there are many times where I genuinely want to engage in some sort of relationship with a person, but it is in direct conflict with my job or the current situation. Talk about getting cock-blocked in the most professional way possible."

Oh Dick, now you know how it feels to be cock-blocked.

"First time for everything," said Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.

WK25 - The Mane Event

It's crunch time.

(Aside: Apologies for the lateness of this stats report. It's been a hell of a week so far so Commissioner Randy was short on time.)

"Hazzz!" screamed Sitch, beating his chest like the uncivilized gorilla he is.

No, Sitch, I meant the figurative 'crunch' time, not literal. We're at WK25 and there's less than two weeks left of the season, so it's time to get down to business.

"I am in business, for shiz," said Safari, albeit cautiously.

Safari is sure in business. He is the main - or, should I say, MANE - event.

"I love a good pun," said Dick.

Safari's been in business since the pyramids were erected. He ain't just a businessman. He's a business, man.

Here are the statistics, courtesy of the stats machine:

Safari was this week's top bread winner, bringing home 186.85 fantasy points. The League average was 148.10 fantasy points, so Safari outperformed the League by 25% or so. Respect, friend.

Adds McGuire: I'm absolutely floored by the parity in the League. It's just so close. You can really appreciate the planning and strategy going on with the League front runners. The turnaround that Burgundy's team has been able to achieve is just outstanding. Sitch's team was an example of (excellence?) consistency until late-season injuries started catching up to him. But Safari - OH BABY! He just might close this out for the first time in his select-GM career!

Safari now owns the League's best PPGP with a 3.27, closely followed by Burgundy (3.26) and Sitch (3.25). I've brought this up before, but I'll say it again; Safari's PPGP is boosted significantly by his monstrous shutouts earned from his tenders. What a fucking stud.

"Stop jinxing it!" cried Safari.

Remember when Dick Burns was trouncing the competition with his goalie stats at the beginning of the season (a-la Carey Price)? Well, Safari now boasts the best PPGP for goalies with 4.76 and doesn't seem to be slowing down. He's keeping pucks out and shutting out teams wherever possible.

And finally the Rank. Congratulations on holding top spot for two-weeks consecutive, Safari. Can you manage one more week (i.e. the most important week of all)?

"I think he'll do it," said Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.