WK12 - GM's Quarterly II

Happy New Year, my dear select-GM's.

Apologies for the absence in reporting; the holidays were much too busy and Sir Fucking Randy was unable to pen his entries during that time. Lots did happen though, and Sir Fucking Randy's memory never fails so he'll be sure to fill you in with details in future posts.

As I write this, my fingertips are chilled and my hips and spine are aching; it is a byproduct of fighting a fever for the last two days, so please allow me some slack if the quality of this report is sub-par. Quality and timing are most important to me, but I'm already lagging on timeliness so I'll take my chances and report the statistical findings over the last two weeks, which also happens to coincide with GM's Quarterly II.

"How did you get sick, Dear Commissioner?" asked a concerned Tree Bone.

Well, I'm not entirely sure, but I did stay up late on New Years, and against my better judgement, I decided to opt out of an undershirt and rocked a long-sleeved collar and sweater combo. I figured the sweater would have compensated for not wearing the undershirt, but alas, sometimes it's not the thickness of one particular garment, but the number of layers worn on a person. That missing layer of undershirt must have chilled me, leaving me exposed to viruses and nasty things. Pure stupidity on my part; I was as foolish as skimpy-dressed girls on NYE.

"God bless their souls," said Dick Burns.

First, here are the statistics, courtesy of the stats machine:

Sitch continues to lead the way and also took home the most points over the holiday break (256.40). Safari and Burgundy were very close (at about 245 each, respectively). Sitch can thank Auston Matthews for the majority of his dominant efforts.

"Fuck. Me." said Safari.

Sitch also leads PPGP with 3.19, though Burgundy and Safari are incredibly close now (3.14 each). Dick Burns, who had sworn to keep up with his team this year, is starting to falter and he now owns the League-low PPGP of 2.98; considering he was leading this category for most of the first quarter, it is indeed a disappointment.

"I've been busy with children," said Dick Burns. (WTF? More on this another time...)

The Rainbow is showing us something unique this year in that having dominant goalie statistics doesn't guarantee victory. Dick Burns and Tree Bone, both with admirable, League-leading tending statistics, are falling well short in the offense department which is causing the gap. Sitch, Safari and Burgundy seem to have offense well-organized, and their tending stats are at least keeping up with averages, giving them comfortable leads over the League bottom.

No significant changes to Rank, though Burgundy is now occupying the bronze medal position.

"Jeah! Only a matter of time before I three-peat!" shouted Burgundy.

Alright, now let's get into the awards (and raspberries). To refresh your memories, the awards during GM's Quarterly I went to: Dick Burns (for Select-GM of the Quarter), Safari (for Jared Cowan of the Quarter) and Tree Bone (Stealth of the Quarter). So who's getting some hardware this time around?

SELECT-GM OF THE QUARTER - SITCH

(Honourable mention: Burgundy, Safari)

Winner, winner.

Most points during the period with 879.25. Highest PPGP over that period with 3.42 (monster!). Need I say more?

Even with losing Stamkos to IR, Sitch has been able to maintain a respectful scoring pace which is admirable considering Stamkos is - in my opinion - a player who can guarantee at least 35 goals per season. If and when Stamkos returns, Sitch could get an additional boost and be even tougher to catch.

Safari and Burgundy turned in valiant efforts as well, bringing in 814.85 and 751.05 points respectively. Their PPGP over that span was an identical 3.21. Ain't that cute?

The resemblance is shocking.

JARED COWEN OF THE QUARTER - DICK BURNS

(Honourable mention: Tree Bone)

Spoiler: He loves Chad Kroeger.

Oh Dick, why do you do this to yourself?

The 2016-2017 season was looking like it would be full of Dick; he had kept a gem in Carey Price and was easily leading the League during the first quarter. However, like clockwork, Dick has become occupied with other matters and now finds himself falling behind in League standings. He's also currently projected to be short 21 goalie games by season's end. Why do you do this to yourself Dick?

"Hey, it's not like I do it on purpose," said Dick Burns while running his fingers through some Shakespeare. "I am a select-GM, but I am also a highly sought after producer, writer and director. I can't help it if I don't have time to fit all these things into my daily routine."

Honourable mention goes to Tree Bone, who is projected to finish 50+ games short by season's end. Zero. Fucks. Given.

STEALTH OF THE QUARTER - BURGUNDY

(Honourable mention: Safari)

The Ronald gets Stealth of the Quarter because he's been a sleeping bear. Like Dick Burns, he's also 20 goalie games behind at this point, but Burgundy has run into bad luck with Bishop and Anderson being out. Burgundy is also a more active select-GM and has made a few transactions during the year, so I don't think this goalie game shortage is a long-term problem; he'll make it up one way or another. And, when he does, the points will come. I am sure of it. A three-peat may not be too far fetched whatsoever.

Honourable mention goes to Safari, though he's been pretty consistent throughout the year and is sitting second, so it's hard to deem him as Stealth if he's been in the silver spotlight for most of the season.

"Let's just hope this spotlight turns gold by the end," said Safari. "I want me some yellow!"

Patience, my dear Lion. Greatness awaits.

Cordially,

Morpheus Randy