WK24 - Hello!

[SAFARI]

Hello!

My name is A.L.S.

And I would like to share with you

The most amazing news!

[BURGUNDY]

Hello!

My name is Ronnie Burg

It's news about our Randy League

Of Fanta-Fantasy

[SAFARI]

It has

So many awesome parts

You simply won't believe how much

This news has changed my life

[SITCH]

Hello (sob)

My name is AznSitch

When I heard about this news

I yelled out "Jesus Christ!"

[DICK BURNS]

Hello! 

My name is Mister Burns

Did you know that Sitch is out of first

As of today?

[TREE BONE]

You can

Read all about it now

On this nifty site, it's free!

No, you don't have to pay!

[SAFARI]

Hello!

It's A.L.S. again

And can I leave this news with you

For you to just peruse?

[BURGUNDY]

Hello!

[TREE BONE]

Hello!

[DICK BURNS]

Hello!

I'll just leave it here

It's the best of information

I could really use

[BURGUNDY]

Hello!

[TREE BONE]

Hi!

My name is --

[SITCH]

Bitch-It's-Sitch!

[SAFARI]

You have such lovely form

Thank you!

[DICK BURNS]

It's such amazing news

[TREE BONE]

Bonjour!

[SAFARI]

Marhabaan!

[SITCH]

Ni Hao!

Aismi hu A.L.S.

[BURGUNDY]

Is this my line?

This news gives me the

Passage to the Golden Life!

Sound good?

[ALL]

The Golden Life!

[SITCH]

(sob) Jesus Christ!

Is super fun!

[DICK BURNS]

Wise words!

[TREE BONE]

You bet!

Atop the Randy Leagues

The view is great

It can be done!

[SITCH]

I've tanked

[BURGUNDY]

You sure?

Oh, well.

That's fine

Goodbye!

Have fun in hell

[TREE BONE/DICK BURNS]

Hey now!

[ALL]

You simply won't believe how much

Safari loves his life

Safari loves his life

Safari loves his life

Safari loves his life

Safari loves his life!

[MCGUIRE, spoken]

Hello! Would you like to hear the news?! Safari's now in first!

[COMMISSIONER RANDY, spoken]

No, no, Pierre McGuire! That's not how we do it! You're making things up again. Just stick to the approved commentary. Select-GM's, show him!

[ALL]

Hello!

[MCGUIRE]

Hello!

My name is --

Pierre McGuire!

And we would like to 

Share with you this news

Of A.L.S.

[DICK BURNS]

Hello!

[SAFARI]

Hello!

[BURGUNDY]

??

[TREE BONE]

Heigh ho!

[SITCH]

Fuck this news!

[DICK BURNS]

It's free!

[TREE BONE]

For you!

[SAFARI]

For me!

[ALL]

You see?

You simply would believe how much

Safari loves his life! (Hello!)

Safari loves his life! (Hello!)

So Sitch can burn in --

[MCGUIRE]

Hell-o!

[ALL]

You're gonna die someday

But if you saw the news you'll see

Safari's won today

Spend eternity winning with Sir Randy

We can fully guarantee that, oh! 

Safari loves his life

Safari loves his life

Safari loves his life

Safari loves his life

He's in first place (first place)

Hello!

Alright, first off: a big thank you to everyone in that number. Spot on, performers, spot on.

Now, onto the important news at hand: as we just heard through that fanciful song and dance, Safari is now in first place. He's officially dethroned Sitch, who had held first place for 16 consecutive weeks. Four fucking months - no easy task.

But 'streaks' are called streaks for a reason - they don't last. And we have Safari to thank for breaking this tread line. Here are WK24's statistics, courtesy of the stats machine:

Safari is a mere single fantasy point ahead of Sitch, with Burgundy chasing the two of them closely. Burgundy was actually this week's top bread winner (again) with 158.75 fantasy points, closely followed by Safari who had 150.05 fantasy points. Sitch, who is now floundering with inconsistent goaltending and scoring (his two top centres in Malkin and Stamkos have been out for prolonged periods), is capsizing and things aren't looking very good. His prized first round selection of Brent Burns has gone south with the rest of San Jose and went pointless for seven games straight.

"My Crosbone has done more with one hand than Burns has in two weeks!" jeered Burgundy, referring to Crosbone's one-handed backhand goal against Buffalo a few nights ago.

Burgundy continues to lead PPGP with a 3.30, closely followed by Safari and Sitch who both clock in at 3.26.  

No major changes to the Rainbow, except that Sitch is now averaging the lowest PPGP for goalies. Wins have been hard to come by recently; Martin Jones has lost significant points for Sitch over the last few weeks and it doesn't look like San Jose will be turning things around anytime soon.

And finally the Rank - how does it feel to be at the top, Safari?

"Let's not jinx it," said Safari, cautiously.

Of course. Until next time, gentlemen and lady,

- Commissioner Randy

WK23 - the Gun Show

I know I sound like a broken record, but this has got to be the closest fantasy race we've ever had. And Burgundy's sure making a case for himself - he's showing the competition that he's ready to win, guns a-blazin'.

Adds McGuire: You're absolutely right, Commissioner, and I'm glad you brought that up because it's an excellent, excellent, excellent point.

Thanks, kiss-ass McGuire.

With WK23 wrapped up like a German sausage, let's have a look at the visuals, courtesy of the stats machine:

Adds McGuire: A monstrous, monstrous week for camp Burgundy. He was this week's biggest performer, producing 193.95 fantasy points, lead by Crosby (of course), who scored six goals and two assists during the week. That's unbelievable! I should be shocked, but then again it's Crosby! You factor that monstrous performance with the slowed performance of Sitch (who is still without Malkin or Stamkos), and the result? A very, very close race, my friends. (chuckles) VERY CLOSE!

It's important to note that Safari had a respectable week as well, bringing home 140.25 fantasy points, lead by Marchand. The left-winger from Boston has been an absolute beast for Safari; who would have thought that he'd be in the hunt for the Art Ross?

Adds McGuire: If you had asked me that a year ago, I would have thought, "Are you kidding me?" No disrespect to Marchand, but he's always been more of a utility guy, you know? A body you need in the playoffs for sure, someone who can be a difference maker. But a leading scorer? I didn't think that would be the case. Shows you how wrong I was!

Adds McGuire: And with that monstrous performance, Burgundy has now actually overtaken Sitch for the lead in PPGP. It seemed impossible but Burgundy's done it. He now sports a 3.31 (+0.03 from last week) while Sitch sits second with a 3.29 (-0.02 from last week). Safari was able to improve his to 3.26 (+0.01 from last week). I can't believe the spread between first to third is only 0.05 PPGP; the parity in the League is incredible.

"Ebbs and flows, bitches!" screamed Burgundy.

On the money, Burgundy. Sitch had been flowing so well for much of the season; he was consistent and doing his own thing at his own pace. But in the last two weeks his stats have really started to slide; the absence of Stamkos was being hidden for quite some time, but now with Malkin out and a shortage of goalie wins, Sitch is returning to human form.

Sitch was last seen on Friday night, sulking over his lack of performance while gorging on a hefty serving of Gabriel's Pizza and Chicken Wings.

"That's a fine pizza joint," said Burgundy.

Adds McGuire: We didn't see any major changes in the Rainbow, except that Burgundy is now leading in PPGP by players (previously held by Sitch). Sitch has also dropped to the lowest PPGP by goalies. Other than stacking up wins, he's been at or below League averages in all other goalie statistics, and he hasn't been able to muster out many shutouts.

Adds McGuire: No major changes to Rank, except that Dick Burns and Tree Bone have swapped positions (again).

"It's important to swap positions," said Dick. "You need to mix things up."

Wise words, Dick.

WK22 - You Have a Massive Erection

WK22 is in the books, which means there's about four weeks left in Randy's PoV. That's about a month or so left of glorious fantasy hockey; it's sad, I know. Every year I get melancholy around this time; there's still hockey left to be played, but I know that with each and every passing night the end gets that much closer. It's too short, it's just too short.

"That's what Sitch was told on prom night," smirked Dick Burns.

Oh, well played, Dick.

Anyway, let's take a look at WK22's statistics, courtesy of the stats machine:

Sitch still leads overall in PoV, but it was Burgundy who amassed the biggest weekly point gain, bringing home 161.80 fantasy points. He was closely followed by - and this is not a typo, here - Dick Burns, who brought home 161.60 during the week.

Burgundy had very well rounded scoring from his skaters, and picked up key wins from Anderson and Bobrovsky. Dick Burns also got solid scoring from his skaters, particularly Perry, who picked up three goals during the week.

"Ugh.... Perry," shuddered Sitch, clearly irritated by the sound of that name.

Sitch still leads overall PPGP with a 3.31 (no change from the previous week. Burgundy remains second with 3.28 (+0.01 this week) and Safari at third with 3.25 (no change from last week). Dick Burns, with his massive point accumulation in the last seven days, has lifted his PPGP to 3.00 (+0.07 from last week). It's been long overdue, Dick Burns. Long, fucking, overdue.

The Rainbow is showing us that the top three select-GM's (Sitch, Safari and Burgundy) are pretty well rounded throughout, though Burgundy could use a little help in the goalie department. Sitch, who was previously banking insane wins from his goalies, has leveled off a little bit, and his win % is now below 60% (it had been above 60% for most of the year). The slowdown in goalie points has contributed to the narrowing gap between Sitch and the rest of the select-GM's.

The Rank, for the first time in ages(!) has a change! Dick Burns, Randy League's perennial basement tenant, has catapulted himself out of fifth and into fourth position. I'm not sure if this bodes well with his drafting plans for next year, but damn it sure is nice to report on a Ranking change.

So, we now have 22 weeks of data, and there are only four more weeks to come. A lot can change during that time, but what would the League look like assuming data trends continue? Well, it would appear that we'd be crowning Sitch his third belt in five years, though he'd be narrowly edging out Burgundy, who would be projected to finish second, about 40 points behind. Safari would be about 70 points short of the title belt, whereas Dick Burns and Tree Bone would be 300+ points behind.

Commissioner Randy has been eyeing the stats closely, and it's honestly too damn close to call at this point. There are too many variables to make a conclusive argument. Sitch leads, and has lead, for such a long time now and his performance has been highly regarded throughout the League.

"The guy's so damn consistent," said Safari. "When he's gets a good week, it's huge. When he's not the best during the week, he's above average. I can't remember the last time he's had a terrible week."

"It's been hard to catch this mother-meathead," said Burgundy, twiddling his mustache. "But if there's anyone that can do it, wouldn't you think it'd be the select-GM who was able to dethrone him a few years ago, when said select-GM was more than 300 fanatasy points behind?"

Best of luck to you all in the final month. Cordially,

- Sir Fucking Randy

Next Question with Tree Bone

The fourth installment of Next Question (NQ) features Zero-Fucks-Given Tree Bone, our feature lady in the group of select-GM's. I thought a feature NQ of our resident feline would pair well today given that it's International Women's Day, so I caught up with the lavish lady at a sophisticated social, complete with assortments of fine cheeses, distinguished personnel and boarded games (extra Catan).

Good evening, Tree Bone.

Hi, Commissioner Randy! Long time no see!

Yes, it's been quite some time. How have you been?

Busy! You know me, always striving to live life to the fullest!

You were supposed to arrive a while ago... are you 'fashionably' late?

Haha oh no, not at all. I was working!

On a Friday night?

Sure thing, Commissioner. I'm in the grind, working wherever and whenever I can. We all need to make ends meet, and I'm no different.

You are an inspiration to the next generation of women, Tree Bone.

Aw, why thank you, Commissioner. But honestly, there are way more inspirational and influential women than me. I'm just building the best life I can, taking it all in and being positive and being happy with who I am.

What a great perspective. You are happy, yes?

Absolutely. The last six months or so have been exceptionally special. Not only did my Pride Rock and I find a dwelling to settle into, but we also got married last summer. Then, a couple we've been very close with moved back into town and we offered them our spare room while they got settled. Living together with them under one roof has been so much fun; it's like summer camp every single day.

How long will they stay?

They're actually in the process of moving out as they've found their own place. But, they'll only be a few houses from us so we'll still be in close proximity.

So life will get back to normal soon?

I guess, though I will miss living with them. Like I said, it's extremely fun.

Speaking of 'fun', how's married life?

Great! Though I must say I don't think there's any real change except for the extra weight on my finger.

Ever get sick of each other?

Of course! (Laughter) But every couple goes through their arguments. We have one rule in our house, and that's never go to bed angry. Arguing is normal and healthy, so we just make sure that we get it all out and make up before our heads hit the pillow.

"We better make up before bed!"

That's a good rule to live by. Any other rules?

I'm not sure if it's a rule, but we strive to make time for one another. Despite living together, we find it hard to actually see and spend time with one another. We're both very social and have lots going on, so sometimes we won't see each other at all. We both work full time, so we hardly see each other during the day. I'm usually working a few evenings and weekends tutoring students too, so sometimes I don't see him for days. He's an avid skier too, so sometimes he just runs out to the slopes for an evening. It's tough!

How do you make time, then?

As lame as it sounds, we do try to have date nights which means that we actually allocate time to one another in our calendars. I'm serious, because if we don't, we end up getting booked up with something else. We love date nights.

Date nights with Tree Bone.

What do you do on a date night?

It could be a variety of things, but it's usually having time to sit down together for a meal. Our schedules are so different, to the point that we don't actually eat at the same times during the week. It's a bit rare for us, so being able to sit down and eat together is something we value highly.

Do you go out? Eat in?

We do splurge once in a while and go out for a dinner. Pride Rock is a pretty good cook though, so eating in is not a problem!

I've heard about his famous stews. He's quite the master chef.

It really comes in handy for potlucks. I see Sitch and his wife from time to time and we usually get a potluck going. There's never a shortage of food.

Oh really? I had no idea you and Sitch had potlucks.

Oh yes, most definitely. He's got a dumpling recipe that he makes from scratch and Pride Rock and I have become big fans. We've even made it a few times at our home. Sitch may be a gym-ratty bore, but damn he can make a good dumpling. It's fun times all around.

Sounds like you're living the dream, Tree Bone. I'm very happy for you.

Thanks, Commissioner! Now if you'll excuse, me, I think my husband is calling me...

WK21 - Invasion of Burgundy

The Burg has been pretty quiet thus far in PoV. After having some success during the beginning of the season, Burgundy fell off the wagon, plummeting nearly to the basement of the League, before bouncing around third and fourth position. He's been steadily holding third position since week 12, but that's also around the time that Dick Burns and Tree Bone went MIA, so maintaining third position wasn't as difficult as it seemed.

However, Burgundy is now executing a full on attack, orchestrating a militia invasion. He's been known for these sorts of tactics before, and he's doing it again this season. Let's look at the visuals, courtesy of the stats machine:

Sitch still leads overall, but Burgundy was this week's top bread winner, bringing home an incredible 206.15 fantasy points; that's the most anyone has brought in over a 10 week span. Burgundy can thank Kane (a steal after being dropped by Tree Bone earlier this season), Nikita Kucherov, Victor Hedman and Sergei Bobrovsky; all players brought home more than 20 fantasy points each during the week.

"It's been months now but I still can't get over that Kane pickup," said Safari, shaking his head. "Every damn select-GM submitted a claim as soon as Kane hit waivers. Everyone."

"Suck it!" jeered Burgundy.

"Suck it, Gill!" - I Love You, Man (2009)

With Kane and Crosby both playoff bound, I'm thinking this Burg Surge will be along lasting one, a voyageur that propels itself with fantastic speed. It's destination? Pleasure Town (otherwise known as top spot in the League). Sitch is shaking in his boots (or should I say, cross trainers).

While we're on the theme of Burg Surges, Burgundy also boosted his PPGP by an astounding +0.07 this week. He's now second in PPGP at 3.27, closely behind Sitch, who's still leading and pumping a 3.31 (+0.01 since last week). Safari is humming along in third at 3.25, while Tree Bone (3.07) and Dick Burns (2.93) round out the rest of the League. 

We don't see many changes in the Rainbow, except that Sitch and Burgundy are really starting to break away from the pack in terms of player PPGP. Prior to February 2017, player PPGP across the League was just under 3.00 PPGP, and it really seemed that scoring was proving to be more difficult this year. However, since then Sitch and Burgundy have been able to score at a rate above 3.00 for their players, scoring at 3.15 and 3.14 PPGP, respectively.

No changes to Rank. Sitch has now been atop the rankings for 14 weeks consecutive.

Play wisely, my dear select-GM's. It may be blistering cold out (it was minus 30 with the windchill this past weekend), but I promise you the Spring air is just around the corner. We had a glimpse of it at the end of February, where temperatures were in the low pluses and the snow was melting. The smell of melting snowbanks and thawing mud does something to hockey players; it makes them playoff crazy. Anything can happen in the last few weeks of the Randy Leagues, so be sure to put your best game face on.

Until next time, gentlemen and lady.

- Morpheus Randy

TradeCentre - Wheeling for Auston

We have a trade to announce.

Good thing too, because the trade deadline was looking pretty damn boring. I remember the days when the Randy League would get a fist full of trades; Safari was obviously known for pulling the trigger, but Dick Burns was also traditionally in the mix of it, and Burgundy and Sitch also answered the phone routinely. However, this year has been slim pickings, with Safari and Sitch instigating the only material trade offers.

With that, there's one trade to announce, and it's between Sitch and Safari.

SAFARI TRADES: Blake Wheeler, 2017 second round draft pick

SITCH TRADES: Auston Matthews, 2017 ninth round draft pick

"I wanted Matthews," said Safari in a press conference shortly after the trade was announced. "In fact, I even picked him in the Draft. I made the choice to drop him mid-season and realized thereafter that it was a mistake. I reached out to Sitch several times during the year for a trade to get Matthews back on my roster, and we were able to hash something out just before the deadline.

"There was talk of swapping Matthews for Laine, but then Laine got a concussion which essentially canned that proposal," Safari continued. "So for a long while there was nothing."

Asked why the deal ultimately went through, Sitch responded, "I made it very clear from the beginning that I didn't like the way I drafted this year. I am - and continue to be - amazed with the performance of my team. If you had asked me three months ago what I'd be doing around the deadline, I would have said that I'd probably be a seller and rebuilding for next season. Well, I'm not doing that now with the performance I've seen. I have eyes on the Title Belt, but I also know that the best course of action is to plan for now and the future.

"Safari came to me with several trades throughout the year, but I was just unsure about it. I kept thinking about the future and draft picks. Then, he came to me with this trade which included a second round pick in next year's draft. For a producer like Matthews, I thought the draft pick was in exchange was very fair, so we made it happen."

But what do the professionals think? Let's bring in the panel for discussion:

LeBrun: This is an --

"I fucking LUVVVVV Pierre LeBrun!" screamed Burgundy.

LrBrun:... Thank you? OK, back to it. This is an absolute win for Safari. Why do you play fantasy hockey? To win (!) of course. Getting Matthews, who's not only an incredible young talent, but also playing on a highly motivated, well-coached, playoff hungry team exudes production down the stretch. With Safari being on Sitch's tail, I think Matthews will help close the gap and propel Safari into first. While Wheeler is a good player in return, he's not in the same talent pool as Matthews, and I don't think this trade really helps Sitch this year. And seriously, if you had a shot at winning this year, wouldn't you do everything in your power to make it happen? I think Sitch thought about the future a bit too much on this one; he's planning for the future and sacrificing the present. Winner: SAFARI.

McGuire: Fairi points, LeBrun, but I'm not convinced this is an absolute win for Safari. When I evaluate this trade, I'm looking not just at the transaction, but everything that has lead up to the transaction, and what may play out post the transaction. And here's what I gather:

• Sitch picked up a free agent (Matthews) which has transformed into a second round pick. Safari is likely to finish in the top three this year, so that's a high second round pick, too. That's an incredible return-on-investment. Assuming Safari keeps Ovechkin as his Keeper, that means Matthews will be available in next year's draft, and it's possible he could still be available in the second round for selection.
• Sitch is low on RW games played and Wheeler is a RW, meaning he'll be able to catch up in that department. Wheeler may not be the same caliber of Matthews (3.50 PPGP), but he's decent in his own right (3.10 PPGP).
• With Stamkos projected to return mid-March, Sitch is going to be top-heavy at the C position. While he loses Matthews, Sitch will have Stamkos (4.40 PPGP prior to injury) to fill in the gap. Having an elite power forward fill in for Matthews is pretty darn sweet.
• So, based on these points, I say: Winner: SITCH.

An incredibly close call. Thank you both.

"What are your thoughts on the trade, Commissioner?" asked Burgundy.

Hmmm... tough call. Both LeBrun and McGuire have made valid arguments, and it'd be hard to go against either of their opinions. However, I'm going to go with LeBrun, and say Winner: SAFARI, but with a HUGE asterisk. I'm saying this based on the law of certainty - Safari got a player that is elite and healthy, whereas it's entirely probable that Sitch gets screwed should Stamkos not return (or perform poorly upon returning). I'd take an elite player in mid-season form over an elite player returning from injury any day.

So there you have it: Safari wins 2-1 in this trade assessment.

"2-1... that's my bedroom ratio," winked Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.