WK16 - All-Star Weekend

WTF is happening here?

WK16 is in the books, which also happened to include All-Star Weekend. As the years have gone by, my interest for All-Star weekend has deteriorated like Nick Kypreos's intelligence, so I do apologize if I do not have the same type of enthusiasm as most hockey pundits portray.

Before I go into an absolute rant on All-Star Weekend, let's get to things that matter first: the weekly statistics. Though we had fewer games, that didn't stop some select-GM's from putting up impressive numbers. Here are the statistics, courtesy of the stats machine:

Sitch still leads overall, but it was Safari who earned the most points this week with 134.55, quite astounding considering that the League-average for the week was 89.00. Safari is now within striking distance of Sitch once again, and both teams are pretty much caught up in terms of games played. Team DB, as predicted, is starting to lose pace, mostly due to lack of games played. Sir Fucking Randy can only assume that lower point totals from DB is inversely related to the higher levels of sex-romps on the East Coast.

"No comment," said Dick Burns.

Along with earning the most points this week, Safari was also the most improved PPGP select-GM this week; he was +0.06, bringing his PPGP to 3.13. Sitch still leads overall with a 3.22. 

Not many changes in the Rainbow this week, though it should be noted that Sitch is now the only select-GM averaging more than 3.00 PPGP for players. Scoring has been harder to come by this season, which is odd considering that overall NHL scoring is up.

And once again, no changes to Rank.

So back to the All-Star Weekend. Let me preface this by acknowledging a few things here:

1. I am an old man with nothing better to do than to write vulgar, satirical, hilarious and often controversial fantasy hockey reports. I know how useless my commentary means in the real world.
2. All-Star Weekend is really meant for NHL branding and outreach. I get that.
3. If you're an NHL fan who legitimately gets excited for All-Star Weekend, you're probably under the legal drinking age.

Adds McGuire: So, what's your beef, Commissioner?

Time for a rant.

Alright, I'll make a few enemies here, but fuck it I have enemies all over these damn internet(s) so I've got nothing else to lose except possibly winning another Pulitzer Prize. I'm going to be as objective as I can here, though subjectivity is always more entertaining and - let's face it - hysterical.

1. Chilled Skill

Guys, take a two hour knee.

Call me crazy, but I feel like the Skills Competition gets slower and slower every year. It's unfortunate, because components of the Skills Competition are actually very entertaining, generating significantly better highlights and stories than the All-Star game itself. I remember throughout the nineties and even early 2000's when the pace of the Skills Competition was much higher. Players weren't sitting ducks for prolonged periods, and there wasn't nearly as much on-ice confusion between skills events.

Don't get me wrong; I think there are very good skills events that exist currently. I have no complaints with the traditional ones (like Hardest Shot, Accuracy Shooting, Fastest Skater). Some of the newer ones aren't so bad either. However, I think there's so much more that could be done to the Shootout event.

Remember in 2008 when they tried making the Shootout like a Slam-Dunk Contest? The NHL tried to improve on it in 2009 by bringing in Dummy Goalies who were instructed to stand there, let the players do their thing and - most importantly - try to look like they're trying to stop the puck without actually stopping it? (Are you serious?) Holy hell, it was tough to watch. Some good Samaritan uploaded a full nine minutes worth for those who want to relive awkwardness.

Here's the issue: the objective of the shootout is to score (or save, depending on who you're rooting for). The shootout is also a game of smarts; it's the Trickster vs. the Gatekeeper. In terms of the player, it is just as skillful to snipe as it is skillful to deke. But sniping isn't as 'entertaining' as deking, so for a while the NHL tried to discourage this. If you're discouraging a shot, it gives the goalie significant advantage, creating an absolute mind-fuck for the player. If this command were instructed by Putin himself, it'd sound like:

"You. You score. But, no shoot. Deke only. 

I say to goal you will deke. So he no you deke.

But, still score. Or else."

Not too long ago, the Shootout gave a player a time limit (I think 30 seconds or so) to shoot as many times as they could on a goalie, and the objective was to score (no Putin restrictions). A bunch of pucks would be left at centre and the player would scoop up a puck, go in on a breakaway, and then, assuming he had enough time, would skate back to centre and pick up another puck for another attempt. He'd go as many times as 30 seconds would allow. I used to love this because it (1) provided a stretch of continuous entertainment, (2) got players and goalies into a rhythm, (3) brought much needed pace to the Skills Competition, and (4) showcased skill.

Back then, you didn't know what the player was going to do. There would be a combination of dekes and shots because he'd have to mix things up in order to beat the goalie. This hasn't been the case for the last few years. Shootout events are now dragged out without pace or continuous entertainment (i.e. a player shoots, followed by a stoppage) and goalies know that players are likely to deke because the NHL has really tried to make the Shootout like the Slam-Dunk Contest of the NBA.

Why don't they bring back the old format, where scoring is the objective, but include a time limit and multiple attempts? I think you'd get more realistic shootout attempts and competitiveness out of players/goalies. To increase the rapid fire action and importance of scoring, you could also add an incentive that each goal scored adds an extra few seconds (say, 3 seconds) to the players 30 second attempt. I think these adjustments would make the Shootout entertaining again, both for fans and players.

2. The Million Dollar Question

A softer criticism of All-Star Weekend, but it's awkward nonetheless. Do players, All-Star players, no less, really need a million dollar prize? The additional cash grab feels wrong, considering these All-Star players are earning high salaries, most earning more than the League-average of $2.4 million. I thought that this was going to some sort of charity, but it actually just went to the winning team. I'm sure that some (if not all) will become proceeds to a charity of the winning team's choosing, but why wasn't this highlighted during the ceremony? It just seemed awkward.

3. The $30,000 Question

When you think of an All-Star professional athlete, what do you think of? Because you know, I think of the practical economy vehicle. I love me a good Honda, but I've always chuckled when players stand beside a vehicle valued at about a week's worth of their salary (again, assuming a $2.4 million annual salary). I know it's about sponsorship, I know it's about company's wanting to expose their every-man product to the every-man, but it just seems cheeky, doesn't it?

4. Commentator 'Enthusiasm'

Commentators need to be polished and professional. But I think the majority of us can tell when commentary is genuine and when it becomes questionable. There were several instances during the All-Star Game where I could definitely tell that commentators were getting tired of putting a great spin on an otherwise lackluster play. How are you supposed to be enthusiastic when there's 10% effort on the ice? It's such a weird dynamic; it's like trying to be happy at your best friend's wedding when you hate their fiancé. I feel for these commentators, I really do, but this dynamic makes for a poor All-Star Weekend.

5. The All-Star Game

Finally, I really wonder what will come of the All-Star Game in future. I think going to a 3-3 format was a significant step forward. It's made it more entertaining and less congested. However, it will still never replicate the intensity of an actual game, so it's tough to enjoy it when you know players are holding back. It's a bit cringe-worthy too when you factor in the 'enthusiastic' commentary from TV personalities. It's a lose-lose situation, in my books.

So, that's Grumpy Randy's take on All-Star festivities. I don't mean to shit on a product that was probably gobbled-up and loved by nine year-olds everywhere, but it still leaves me itching for something better. I'm no fan of basketball, but even I have much more interest in watching the NBA All-Stars than the NHL All-Stars.

"Putin would make things better!" argued Burgundy.

"He might, but he'd rig the All-Star voting," said Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.

WK15 - the Crunchback

Greetings, my select-GM's. Apologies for my statistical reporting delay; I was short on time yesterday and unable to write.

However, my blonde-babe'd secretary was able to take a snapshot of the stats as of Sunday night, so we're good to go. Let's take a look at WK15, shall we? Here are the visuals, courtesy of the stats machine:

After a massive scare last week from Safari, Sitch has been able to instigate a little comeback (crunchback?) with a monstrous week (extra McGuire). He was last week's top bread winner, bringing home 163.60 fantasy points, accumulating well above Burgundy, who was second with 128.65 fantasy points. Safari, after having a devilish WK14, failed to crack 100 fantasy points during WK15, and he's fallen back behind the pace.

"Lion's can't run forever," said Sitch. "But a carbo-loading Asian can! Hazzz!"

With his great WK15 performance, Sitch was able to boost his PPGP by 0.06, bringing his League-leading PPGP to 3.23. Burgundy and Tree Bone are now in second with a 3.09, followed by Safari with 3.06 and Dick with 2.92.

The Rainbow is showing some really interesting stats here. Top-seeded Sitch is doing quite well offensively, despite having a low shot percentage.

Adds McGuire: It's a by-product, Commissioner. Sure, Sitch has got a low shot percentage, but he's crushing the competition in shots on goal. The more shots you take, the more goals you're likely going to score. And shooting alone will get you points over time. So who cares if your shot percentage is down? Just keep shootin', I say!

"That's what she said," said Dick Burns.

And despite average GAA and Save %, Sitch's tending department is holding up.

Adds McGuire: Yes. It's not like he's stopping everything or grabbing shutouts by the fistful (like Safari, who leads the League with nine); he's actually making up for it in Win %. He's got a Win % of almost 64%; pairing that with mediocre GAA and Save % will surely keep you happy.

And finally, the Rank. No changes week-over-week. So, what can we expect going forward, Pierre?

Adds McGuire: Oh, I'm expecting big things from Burgundy. His team has been way behind in games played in both players and goalies. Speculative reports had been going around that Sitch had been trying to entice Burgundy into a trade involving a goalie, but Burgundy never bit. He's ended up picking up free agent Luongo, who could be a potential solution. It's also been reported that Craig Anderson will soon return to action, and Burgundy's been keeping Anderson at bay. I'm expecting a huge run of erectile pleasures!

Oh my, where do you come up with your terminology, Pierre?

Cordially,

The Fucking Randy

Next Question with African Lion Safari

Welcome to the second edition of Next Question. Today we'll be sitting down with the Silver-backed Safari, who has been plagued by coming up just short of triumphant winship for many seasons.

"One day, I shall strike thy Silver name off my mane," said Safari.

In good time, my Lion. In good time. But, for now, let's get to your questions.

Happy New Year, African Lion Safari.

And a Happy ROAR! to you as well, Commisioner!

Holy fuck, my ears... can we tune it down a notch?

Apologies, Commissioner Randy. It's hard for me, you know, being the predator I am. It's kind of like Sitch; he has trouble with an indoor voice too, with his meat-headed ways and all.

Yes, that's true. That's why I usually conduct his NQ's in a large room or outdoors; saves my pitch-perfect ears from bleeding.

I will control my voice.

Thank you, Safari. So, why don't we start off with a review of 2016? How was it?

I'm not going to lie, Commissioner, it was a tough year.

How so?

Well, for starters, I was second behind Burgundy in Randy's Wring by a mere 29.80 fantasy points. That was an insanely close race and I fell just short.

Right, that was a tough loss.

However, things away from hockey were also challenging. It was a tough year personally as my living situation changed. Being the international man that I am, I'm now employed in a different country than my wife, which means we must do long distance, which means lots of travelling.

Quite baller, wouldn't you say?

Absolutely not, Commissioner, with all due respect. It's really been one of those 'testing' years, where together we've been pushed to our limits. Distance can be really tough, and we want to be together; I mean, that's why people get married, right? It's all about connection, and I feel that was tough to accomplish in 2016.

Within just the two of you?

No, not just between us, but between my close friends as well. One of the great highlights from 2016 was Tree Bone's wedding; it was a gathering of close friends on home soil, and everyone was together; not just for an evening, but a period of days. It was like old times when we all lived within a bike ride of one another. Those connections are unbelievably rich, yet I seldom experience that now since I'm further away.

But you must have international connections everywhere, no?

I do, and they are great, but they lack history. The great thing about this League is that it has history. All select-GM's here have been tight-knit for a long time; we may have our arguments and bitchy comments, but there's love (not to be super Charlie Brown), and no matter how long or how far we are away from one another, the bond remains. That's something that I cherish, albeit I miss it dearly since I don't have access to seeing everyone on a consistent basis.

Happy friends.

It's natural though, Safari. Life gets busier, free time becomes scarce.

I know that, and I accept that. But honestly, sometimes I just think about returning to home soil. I think that would be fantastic. There are so many great things there that are taken for granted. Peacefulness, work-life balance, the environment and - most of all - connections.

We do need to be reminded of how lucky we have it.

Indeed. We are lucky.

Well, aside from challenging times, how do you feel about 2017?

It's started off well. Aside from being involved with your NQ, my input has also been requested by another media outlet (Comedy Central) and that was a great experience.

God damn it, Safari, I thought I made you sign a Exclusivity agreement with the Randy Leagues!

Apologies, Commissioner, but this was something I couldn't pass up.

Fine. Congratulations on Comedy Central. How did it go?

Not to toot my own horn, but I think it was one of the strongest media appearances I've ever done.

Blast! You're supposed to save those iconic performances for the Randy Leagues! Anyways, aside from Comedy Central, you must also be satisfied with your team in PoV thus far, yes?

I've been optimistic before, only to be heartbroken at season's end, so no, I am not satisfied. I won't be until I win once and for all. I'm doing everything in my power, but Sitch has been consistent as fuck so far. I always get within striking distance, but he's lead for the majority of PoV and nothing seems to be slowing him down.

In hot pursuit.

Any other teams giving you headaches?

Well, I always need to be on guard for Burgundy, especially this year considering he locked in Crosbone and Kane. Personally, I've been on the trade wires trying to land some players, but other select-GM's are tight-lipped and not giving me much to work with.

Who are you eyeing?

Not going to lie, Commissioner, I absolutely love my Toronto Maple Leafs. So, when I let Auston Matthews go earlier this year, I felt bad about it. But then Sitch picked him up and now Matthews is becoming a dependable scorer. I've been in talks with Sitch about it, but he ain't budging.

Are trade talks continuing?

You know me, Commissioner. I'm always up for a trade.

Best of luck to you, Safari. May the silver be washed off your mane come season's end.

Thank you, Commissioner.

WK14 - Scared Shirtless

This is the year. This has to be the year. Am I right?

"Don't jinx it, please!" cried Safari, as he crouches in the shadows.

WK14 has concluded and Safari is getting oh-so-damn-close to the pedestal. In fact, reports tell me that Sitch is officially scared shitess. Or, should I say, shirtless?

"Gotta give dem bitches what they want!" barked Sitch, oiling himself up in tanning grease.

Let's take a look at the visuals, courtesy of the stats machine. Mr. McGuire is in town this week and has offered up his NBC-certified colour commentary services. We are privileged.

Adds McGuire: Sitch has been atop the rankings for seven weeks consecutive, but it's the Silver Lion that's making a real charge for top spot now. He's less than 30 fantasy points behind Sitch and made up significant - or, shall I say, MONSTROUS - gains this week, which paired well as Sitch had an off week (earning only 106.15). Tree Bone was actually this week's top bread winner, taking in 153.05 fantasy points, but Safari did well himself with 136.95.

Adds McGuire: Sitch still owns PPGP with a 3.17, but the rest of the League is close behind: Safari at 3.13, Tree Bone at 3.10, Burgundy at 3.08 and Dick Burns at 2.97. Sitch also put his foot off the gas this week by playing fewer games, whereas Safari upped his games-played, closing the gap in points.

Adds McGuire: I'm absolutely loving what Safari has done lately. Looking at the League transaction activities, he picked up Fleury earlier while Murray was out, cashing in big on a string of Pittsburgh wins. Then, he stuck with Holtby and the Capitals seem to have finally woken up and are becoming dominant again. Safari's offense stats are holding steady, but it's his goalie stats that have really taken him up a notch during this January stretch; shutouts, wins... he's got everything going for him! He's as tasty as a Philly Cheese Steak!

Adds McGuire: And a huge shout out to Tree Bone, who has officially ended her run in the League basement! What a fine-young-woman!

Thanks McGuire. And, not to boast, but I'm pretty sure I called it back in December when I predicted that Washington was going to rebound. The Capitals have won 12 of 16 games since that post.

Adds McGuire: Oh Commissioner, that was an unbelievable call. Such poise and composure in statistical management, Commissioner. Outstanding!

Alright, that's enough, McGuire. That's all I need from you at this time.

So, we've got a shaky Sitch and a stealthy Safari. Who knows what will happen in a few weeks? Like I always say, February is when things get serious and I'm expecting fireworks. The top two teams in PoV are tight (like a Brazzer's PoV porn video), and the remaining teams are not too far away. Personally, I'm loving the push being made by Canadian teams; specifically, Ottawa, Toronto and Edmonton. And, many select-GM's have invested interested in these teams (both emotionally and for fantasy points). We'll have to wait and see whether hearts will be won or broken.

Until next time, gentlemen and lady.

- Sir Fucking Randy

Next Question with Dickery Burns

Welcome to this season's first installment of Next Question ("NQ"). We'll begin NQ with multi-year Participant Award Winner Dick Burns, who, time and time again, shows us his exemplary capabilities as a select-GM, only to get distracted and runs off chasing Juliettes that come his way.

"Now come on, that's not every instance," says the Shakespearean-toned Dick Burns. "It may be a Juliette, but it may also be my work. I am in high demand, after all."

Yes, indeed you are Dick Burns. So in demand that I had supreme difficulty even getting to sit down with you for a few minutes to get this NQ interview completed. But Sir Fucking Randy never disappoints his readers, so he was able to pin Team DB down over the Christmas break and hammer out this edition of NQ with relative ease over a cup of Tim's. So, without further adieu...

Dick, great to see you again.

A happy holidays to you too, Commissioner.

To you as well. Shall we grab a cup of Tim's?

Why yes, let's do that. And, let's get it in a glass mug. You know, in consideration for the environment.

Love your thinking, Dick. Love it.

(We walk to line up for a cup of Tim's)

It's a shame I cannot eat eggs anymore. Look at all these treats. (Stares at donuts through glass window) Oh, what I would give to be youthful again.

Yes, what happened there exactly? Why no more eggs?

I'm not sure, exactly, but I think I had a bad experience with an egg dish not too long ago. Something I ate contained eggs and I think it must have gone bad. It was a terrible experience, and I haven't been able to stomach eggs since. Fortunately, there are some treats without eggs in them.

What a shame.

(To Tim's server) A tea for myself and a coffee for the Commissioner. In mugs.

Thank you, Dick.

Anytime, Commissioner.

So, you've been out East for quite some time now. Still enjoying yourself?

Oh, you know, it's got it's ups and downs for sure. I definitely see myself there for a few more years, but probably not long term. It's been great, though. I've had great experience working there and I feel I've been able to accomplish a lot, both with my work and my side projects.

Your productions company, am I right?

That's correct. A not-for-profit organization. (Looks at Tim's server) Oh, looks like our order's ready.

(To server) Thank you. (To Dick) Good call on the mugs.

Absolutely. Should we, shall we?

We shall.

(We sit down at a booth)

Tell me more about this production company. 

(Sips tea) It's a not-for-profit that I started with a partner of mine on the East Coast. My vision of the world has always been rather unique, wouldn't you say, Commissioner?

The East Cost.

Obviously.

Right. And my vision for the arts is no different. I've always adored the arts; directing, producing, etc. So, what better way to do it than to run shows on my own terms under my own production company? It's been a dream of mine, and I've been working hard to put it into action.

And, how have things gone?

It's been an experience, to say the least.

I sense ebb and flow.

Nailed it, Commissioner. (Sips tea and winks)

I get that myself. Going out, putting my flabby neck on the line producing statistical reporting and vulgar commentary... I get the highs of the highs and the lows of the lows. What have you experienced, Dick?

It's exhilarating calling the shots, obviously. I can honestly say that our production company is one of the few that consistently breaks even and is even able to pay actors for their work. Paying actors is not a norm, to say the least.

That's commendable, Dick.

I think so. I mean, yes, we get grants and we get sponsorship, but it's my duty to ensure the funds are spent appropriately and that the shows can be economically viable. It was set up as a not-for-profit for the purposes of being eligible for grants, but gosh darn it that irritates me because the not-for-profit vs. for-profit mentality really changes things, and I would argue that for-profit mindsets operate significantly better, so why are grants structured so that only not-for-profits are eligible?

Bottom line: it's all about the money.

Very valid point, Dick. Have you been caught between a rock and hard place when it comes to financing?

I wouldn't call it that. I have very transparent books; I've only ever had one actor request to see the finances for a particular show and I was happy to oblige. I offered the books to him, he looked through it, and that was that. I did, however, have one episode with a sponsor which caused me some stress.

Do tell.

A while ago I had been putting on this production and everything was going very well. The night of one of the performances, I was working at the front ticket booth and ran into one of my longest standing sponsors. We conversed for a while before he headed into the theatre. As he left, I suddenly got a knot in my stomach because I did not remember running his advertisement in the program.

(Dick takes another sip of his tea and shakes his head)

Oh goodness, what happened?

I flipped to through each and every page of the program, mumbling No No No No No No No. How could I have forgotten? It wasn't there. I had missed it. So, I ran after him.

Into the theatre?

Yes. I darted in, saw him seated and bee-lined my way to him. But before I got to him, his wife saw me, pulled me aside and said, stiffly, "You can forget about cashing in our sponsorship check. The ads not in the program."

... Shit.

Yes, absolute shit. I later realized that there was an error when finalizing the sponsorship list, and his name got misplaced.

So, what did you do about it?

I contacted him immediately after the show. I said that there was an error on the ad run, that I would not be cashing his sponsorship check, and I would also in turn run a free ad at my next production for him at no charge. I apologized and did everything in my power to make things right.

How did he react?

It's hard to say what his immediate reaction was because he's a fairly quiet person, but here's the thing: in this world, I've realized that screwing up isn't as big an issue as most people think. Errors happen all the time, but fixing the problem is more what people care about. Sure, I missed running his ad, but I acknowledged the error, refunded him his sponsorship and ran a free ad for him in my next production. I lost out on sponsorship funds, he gained a free add. It wasn't an ideal situation, but I believe it was a fair resolution.

Did he ever sponsor any more productions?

Funny you ask that, Commissioner, because in a subsequent production, he actually bought a larger ad space.

I think he valued your professionalism and business acumen.

Why thank you, Commissioner. I hope he values it, because I value his. It's times like these I take a breather and realize that shit happens. I mean, in the grand scheme of things it's not the end of the world; it's not like someone died because of my actions. It's just a mistake that needs to be fixed.

The ideal world runs without problems. The practical world runs on problem solving.

Wise words, Dick.

WK13 - Too Close for Comfort

Sitch looking a tad uneasy.

WK13 is in the books and Sitch's lead is shrinking.

"For fuck's sake," said Sitch. "I feel a carbo-load coming..."

We haven't seen Sitch carbo-load in quite some time; he's been a pretty tamed eater for the last year or so. Carbo-loading was his go-to strategy when he felt under pressure in the early years of the Randy Leagues; it's what helped propel him to two Championship Title Belts. Having not shoveled barrels of rice into his mouth since, he hasn't won in more than two years. Is it time to bring back old traditions?

"Not if I have anything to do with it," said Safari, shifty-eyed.

Here are this week's statistics, courtesy of the stats machine:

Sitch still leads overall, but he's only about 50 or so fantasy points ahead of second place Safari. Safari was actually this week's (though shortened) top bread winner, bringing home 99.00 fantasy points, just a head of Sitch with 92.90. As reference, the League average was 89.12.

Sitch still leads PPGP with a 3.18, though it was Dick Burns who boosted his PPGP statistic by +0.02 to 3.00 (previously 2.98). Dick was the only man who was able to have a positive impact on his PPGP this week; every other select-GM suffered productivity losses and their PPGPs sank as a result.

The Rainbow continues to show that having good offense matters, as Sitch, Safari and Burgundy are doing well with their players and are averaging close to (or slightly above) 3.00 PPGP. Hats off to Safari, who has been able to boost his goalie PPGP significantly; he can thank his lucky stars for holding onto Holtby, as well as picking up Fleury who is now Pittsburgh's go-to man with Murray on the sidelines.

Nothing to report on Rank, as there have been no changes week-over-week.

Adds McGuire: Indeed, Commissioner. Not much to report considering it was a shortened statistical week, but inside sources have confirmed that a trade was proposed by Safari to Sitch over the weekend. Apparently, Safari was conjuring up an all-rookie deal, offering up Laine in exchange for Matthews (prior to Laine being diagnosed with a concussion). Sitch was reported to have thought about it considerably before ultimately turning down the trade.

Interesting, McGuire. Why?

Adds McGuire: You'd be a better team with either of these fine-young-men. I think it would have been a fair trade had it not been for the concussion. From speaking with those close to him, Sitch puts significant weight on American players, and has been keeping a close eye on Matthews ever since acquiring him via free agency. Though he was aware of Laine's abilities, Sitch admitted to not knowing much about the player other than stats. If you look at the team Sitch has built, he also puts great importance on shot generation, and Matthews, on average, puts up more shots.

Thanks McGuire. And thank you, Safari, for instigating some trades. If I could allocate fantasy points for instigating trades, you'd easily win each year.

"Just give me some then, please!" cried Safari.

Until next time, gentlemen and lady.

- Sir Fucking Randy

WK12 - GM's Quarterly II

Happy New Year, my dear select-GM's.

Apologies for the absence in reporting; the holidays were much too busy and Sir Fucking Randy was unable to pen his entries during that time. Lots did happen though, and Sir Fucking Randy's memory never fails so he'll be sure to fill you in with details in future posts.

As I write this, my fingertips are chilled and my hips and spine are aching; it is a byproduct of fighting a fever for the last two days, so please allow me some slack if the quality of this report is sub-par. Quality and timing are most important to me, but I'm already lagging on timeliness so I'll take my chances and report the statistical findings over the last two weeks, which also happens to coincide with GM's Quarterly II.

"How did you get sick, Dear Commissioner?" asked a concerned Tree Bone.

Well, I'm not entirely sure, but I did stay up late on New Years, and against my better judgement, I decided to opt out of an undershirt and rocked a long-sleeved collar and sweater combo. I figured the sweater would have compensated for not wearing the undershirt, but alas, sometimes it's not the thickness of one particular garment, but the number of layers worn on a person. That missing layer of undershirt must have chilled me, leaving me exposed to viruses and nasty things. Pure stupidity on my part; I was as foolish as skimpy-dressed girls on NYE.

"God bless their souls," said Dick Burns.

First, here are the statistics, courtesy of the stats machine:

Sitch continues to lead the way and also took home the most points over the holiday break (256.40). Safari and Burgundy were very close (at about 245 each, respectively). Sitch can thank Auston Matthews for the majority of his dominant efforts.

"Fuck. Me." said Safari.

Sitch also leads PPGP with 3.19, though Burgundy and Safari are incredibly close now (3.14 each). Dick Burns, who had sworn to keep up with his team this year, is starting to falter and he now owns the League-low PPGP of 2.98; considering he was leading this category for most of the first quarter, it is indeed a disappointment.

"I've been busy with children," said Dick Burns. (WTF? More on this another time...)

The Rainbow is showing us something unique this year in that having dominant goalie statistics doesn't guarantee victory. Dick Burns and Tree Bone, both with admirable, League-leading tending statistics, are falling well short in the offense department which is causing the gap. Sitch, Safari and Burgundy seem to have offense well-organized, and their tending stats are at least keeping up with averages, giving them comfortable leads over the League bottom.

No significant changes to Rank, though Burgundy is now occupying the bronze medal position.

"Jeah! Only a matter of time before I three-peat!" shouted Burgundy.

Alright, now let's get into the awards (and raspberries). To refresh your memories, the awards during GM's Quarterly I went to: Dick Burns (for Select-GM of the Quarter), Safari (for Jared Cowan of the Quarter) and Tree Bone (Stealth of the Quarter). So who's getting some hardware this time around?

SELECT-GM OF THE QUARTER - SITCH

(Honourable mention: Burgundy, Safari)

Winner, winner.

Most points during the period with 879.25. Highest PPGP over that period with 3.42 (monster!). Need I say more?

Even with losing Stamkos to IR, Sitch has been able to maintain a respectful scoring pace which is admirable considering Stamkos is - in my opinion - a player who can guarantee at least 35 goals per season. If and when Stamkos returns, Sitch could get an additional boost and be even tougher to catch.

Safari and Burgundy turned in valiant efforts as well, bringing in 814.85 and 751.05 points respectively. Their PPGP over that span was an identical 3.21. Ain't that cute?

The resemblance is shocking.

JARED COWEN OF THE QUARTER - DICK BURNS

(Honourable mention: Tree Bone)

Spoiler: He loves Chad Kroeger.

Oh Dick, why do you do this to yourself?

The 2016-2017 season was looking like it would be full of Dick; he had kept a gem in Carey Price and was easily leading the League during the first quarter. However, like clockwork, Dick has become occupied with other matters and now finds himself falling behind in League standings. He's also currently projected to be short 21 goalie games by season's end. Why do you do this to yourself Dick?

"Hey, it's not like I do it on purpose," said Dick Burns while running his fingers through some Shakespeare. "I am a select-GM, but I am also a highly sought after producer, writer and director. I can't help it if I don't have time to fit all these things into my daily routine."

Honourable mention goes to Tree Bone, who is projected to finish 50+ games short by season's end. Zero. Fucks. Given.

STEALTH OF THE QUARTER - BURGUNDY

(Honourable mention: Safari)

The Ronald gets Stealth of the Quarter because he's been a sleeping bear. Like Dick Burns, he's also 20 goalie games behind at this point, but Burgundy has run into bad luck with Bishop and Anderson being out. Burgundy is also a more active select-GM and has made a few transactions during the year, so I don't think this goalie game shortage is a long-term problem; he'll make it up one way or another. And, when he does, the points will come. I am sure of it. A three-peat may not be too far fetched whatsoever.

Honourable mention goes to Safari, though he's been pretty consistent throughout the year and is sitting second, so it's hard to deem him as Stealth if he's been in the silver spotlight for most of the season.

"Let's just hope this spotlight turns gold by the end," said Safari. "I want me some yellow!"

Patience, my dear Lion. Greatness awaits.

Cordially,

Morpheus Randy