Next Question with Dickery Burns

Welcome to this season's first installment of Next Question ("NQ"). We'll begin NQ with multi-year Participant Award Winner Dick Burns, who, time and time again, shows us his exemplary capabilities as a select-GM, only to get distracted and runs off chasing Juliettes that come his way.

"Now come on, that's not every instance," says the Shakespearean-toned Dick Burns. "It may be a Juliette, but it may also be my work. I am in high demand, after all."

Yes, indeed you are Dick Burns. So in demand that I had supreme difficulty even getting to sit down with you for a few minutes to get this NQ interview completed. But Sir Fucking Randy never disappoints his readers, so he was able to pin Team DB down over the Christmas break and hammer out this edition of NQ with relative ease over a cup of Tim's. So, without further adieu...

Dick, great to see you again.

A happy holidays to you too, Commissioner.

To you as well. Shall we grab a cup of Tim's?

Why yes, let's do that. And, let's get it in a glass mug. You know, in consideration for the environment.

Love your thinking, Dick. Love it.

(We walk to line up for a cup of Tim's)

It's a shame I cannot eat eggs anymore. Look at all these treats. (Stares at donuts through glass window) Oh, what I would give to be youthful again.

Yes, what happened there exactly? Why no more eggs?

I'm not sure, exactly, but I think I had a bad experience with an egg dish not too long ago. Something I ate contained eggs and I think it must have gone bad. It was a terrible experience, and I haven't been able to stomach eggs since. Fortunately, there are some treats without eggs in them.

What a shame.

(To Tim's server) A tea for myself and a coffee for the Commissioner. In mugs.

Thank you, Dick.

Anytime, Commissioner.

So, you've been out East for quite some time now. Still enjoying yourself?

Oh, you know, it's got it's ups and downs for sure. I definitely see myself there for a few more years, but probably not long term. It's been great, though. I've had great experience working there and I feel I've been able to accomplish a lot, both with my work and my side projects.

Your productions company, am I right?

That's correct. A not-for-profit organization. (Looks at Tim's server) Oh, looks like our order's ready.

(To server) Thank you. (To Dick) Good call on the mugs.

Absolutely. Should we, shall we?

We shall.

(We sit down at a booth)

Tell me more about this production company. 

(Sips tea) It's a not-for-profit that I started with a partner of mine on the East Coast. My vision of the world has always been rather unique, wouldn't you say, Commissioner?

The East Cost.

Obviously.

Right. And my vision for the arts is no different. I've always adored the arts; directing, producing, etc. So, what better way to do it than to run shows on my own terms under my own production company? It's been a dream of mine, and I've been working hard to put it into action.

And, how have things gone?

It's been an experience, to say the least.

I sense ebb and flow.

Nailed it, Commissioner. (Sips tea and winks)

I get that myself. Going out, putting my flabby neck on the line producing statistical reporting and vulgar commentary... I get the highs of the highs and the lows of the lows. What have you experienced, Dick?

It's exhilarating calling the shots, obviously. I can honestly say that our production company is one of the few that consistently breaks even and is even able to pay actors for their work. Paying actors is not a norm, to say the least.

That's commendable, Dick.

I think so. I mean, yes, we get grants and we get sponsorship, but it's my duty to ensure the funds are spent appropriately and that the shows can be economically viable. It was set up as a not-for-profit for the purposes of being eligible for grants, but gosh darn it that irritates me because the not-for-profit vs. for-profit mentality really changes things, and I would argue that for-profit mindsets operate significantly better, so why are grants structured so that only not-for-profits are eligible?

Bottom line: it's all about the money.

Very valid point, Dick. Have you been caught between a rock and hard place when it comes to financing?

I wouldn't call it that. I have very transparent books; I've only ever had one actor request to see the finances for a particular show and I was happy to oblige. I offered the books to him, he looked through it, and that was that. I did, however, have one episode with a sponsor which caused me some stress.

Do tell.

A while ago I had been putting on this production and everything was going very well. The night of one of the performances, I was working at the front ticket booth and ran into one of my longest standing sponsors. We conversed for a while before he headed into the theatre. As he left, I suddenly got a knot in my stomach because I did not remember running his advertisement in the program.

(Dick takes another sip of his tea and shakes his head)

Oh goodness, what happened?

I flipped to through each and every page of the program, mumbling No No No No No No No. How could I have forgotten? It wasn't there. I had missed it. So, I ran after him.

Into the theatre?

Yes. I darted in, saw him seated and bee-lined my way to him. But before I got to him, his wife saw me, pulled me aside and said, stiffly, "You can forget about cashing in our sponsorship check. The ads not in the program."

... Shit.

Yes, absolute shit. I later realized that there was an error when finalizing the sponsorship list, and his name got misplaced.

So, what did you do about it?

I contacted him immediately after the show. I said that there was an error on the ad run, that I would not be cashing his sponsorship check, and I would also in turn run a free ad at my next production for him at no charge. I apologized and did everything in my power to make things right.

How did he react?

It's hard to say what his immediate reaction was because he's a fairly quiet person, but here's the thing: in this world, I've realized that screwing up isn't as big an issue as most people think. Errors happen all the time, but fixing the problem is more what people care about. Sure, I missed running his ad, but I acknowledged the error, refunded him his sponsorship and ran a free ad for him in my next production. I lost out on sponsorship funds, he gained a free add. It wasn't an ideal situation, but I believe it was a fair resolution.

Did he ever sponsor any more productions?

Funny you ask that, Commissioner, because in a subsequent production, he actually bought a larger ad space.

I think he valued your professionalism and business acumen.

Why thank you, Commissioner. I hope he values it, because I value his. It's times like these I take a breather and realize that shit happens. I mean, in the grand scheme of things it's not the end of the world; it's not like someone died because of my actions. It's just a mistake that needs to be fixed.

The ideal world runs without problems. The practical world runs on problem solving.

Wise words, Dick.