WK26 - GM's Quarterly IV

And there it is.

WK26 (a.k.a. GM's Quarterly IV) is in the books, concluding yet another season of the Randy Leagues. I'm honoured to announce that this year's Randy League Champion goes to the (no longer) silver-backed lion, African Lion Safari.

"Oh, my, God," said a near-speechless Safari, choking away tears.

That's right, folks. We have a new Champion (and a first timer, no less). 

"Oh, virgins..." grinned Dick Burns.

The previous four seasons were dominated by back-to-back winners in Sitch (2013-2014) and Burgundy (2015-2016), but it is now the Lion's turn to walk with pride (extra rock). It's been a long time a-comin' for said Lion, who has finished just short of winning the title many times over.

Before we get into GM's Quarterly, let's look at the weekly statistics one final time, courtesy of the stats machine:

Safari, who was being chased for the last two weeks by Sitch and Burgundy, was able to hold off and bring home a League-leading 171.30 fantasy points over the last seven days, about 30+ points better than Sitch and Burgundy. Though he was cautious about celebrating early, it was pretty apparent by Friday night that he was going to take it.

"I received a premature congratulatory text from Sitch," said Safari, not at all surprised with Sitch's premature nature. "He's a good lad.

"I take serious precautions when it comes to hockey though," he added. "I treat my fantasy team the same way I treat my Leafs: with significant doubt. I've been burned too many times before with the Leafs; they've crashed and burned before (let's not bring up the Leafs-Bruins 2013 Game 7) and my fantasy team has done the same for years. This time around, my ambitions were conservative until the very end."

Going into the weekend, Sitch - who was second - trailed Safari by just over 50 points. While the gap could have been closed, it would have depended on Safari's team pulling a huge bagel during the final two days of play, which was unrealistic. Burgundy, who was about 80 points back going into the weekend, was also in the same boat.

"It's disappointing," said second-placed Sitch, exhausted from the season's grind. "I feel off about it, to be honest. I mean, I made it very clear from the beginning that I wasn't convinced with my team. But they surprised me. With so many weeks sitting at number one and pretty decent statistics to back it up, I felt I had a chance. But come trade deadline I was reluctant to make any crazy moves because I still wasn't sure if we had the roster to make that final push. Roster injuries (see Stamkos and Malkin) made me unsure if I could hold off competition until the end. Maybe I should have gambled a bit more..."

Disappointed Sitch.

"Likewise, I am also disappointed," said third-placed Burgundy. "A threepeat as Champion would have been nice to add to my mahogany trophy case. Crosbone had one hell of a season, and I managed to pick up Patrick Kane at the same time. God damn it! I had the tools to do it. I really did. I just had a horrendous start and ran out of time at season's end... had the season been another week longer, I think I could have closed this out."

Burgundy, at a loss for words.

Tree Bone, who finished fourth, didn't have much to say, except, "I love Vegas!"

"Congratulations Safari - you really deserve it," said Dick Burns, who placed fifth and will be picking first overall in next year's draft. "I'm going to be honest; I (once again) wasn't very active in the back half of the season. I really wanted to be, but there were too many things going on on the East Coast. I was - and still am - running my production company, as well as branching out into stand-up comedy! And to top it all off, the ladies have been all over me, trying to snuggle my trunk. Some of these ladies are insane; they spend their days making S&M props and whips and watch PG Disney movies at night. What am I to do with these crazed felines?!"

Dick added, "I'll see you guys at the next draft, with two minutes to spare!"

With this being the close of Quarter IV, let's dish out some awards too.

SELECT-GM OF THE QUARTER - SAFARI

(Honourable mention: Burgundy)

Do I need to say more? He turned up production when it mattered most and dethroned Sitch from first, and managed to stave off the competition for the rest of the season. Though he wasn't the quarter's biggest producer, he was damn close. Safari brought him 907.40 fantasy points over the quarter (averaging 3.44 PPGP over that span).

Burgundy gets honourable mention as he was actually the quarter's most productive select-GM, bringing home 1,004.45 fantasy points (averaging 3.46 PPGP). Those are some phenomenal statistics, absolutely off the charts. Too bad it wasn't enough to propel him into first.

For those interested, Sitch's productivity lagged significantly. He took in 790.25 fantasy points (averaging 3.15 PPGP in the process).

JARED COWEN OF THE QUARTER - SITCH

(Honourable mention: Tree Bone)

"Fucking filthy!" cried Sitch.

Sitch gets the JC Award because his team floundered in the Quarter that mattered the most. He had been leading the League all season long, never having any blowout weeks, but always consistently banking good numbers. His team acted like a prototypical Warren Buffet investment; consistent, safe and predictable.

But then in Quarter IV, injuries took over and one of his star players, Brent Burns, went dry. The shortfalls of his team began to show and at season's end he was left staring at the Lion's ass.

BUSY BEE OF THE QUARTER - DICK BURNS

(Honourable mention: Tree Bone)

Looks a bit like Dick.

Dick Burns has been busy as fuck this Quarter, so busy in fact that he neglected to fulfill his responsibilities as a select-GM. While he was actively participating in the League up to Christmas, he became utterly distracted going into the New Year. His commitments to running his production empire swallowed up all his spare time and required his undivided attention. As previously mentioned, he also ventured out into stand-up comedy, apparently giving his two cents on NFLD customs. And, to top it all off, he's fending off honey bunnies.

"Trials and tribulations," said a nonchalant Dick Burns.

As a man who is all about the arts, Dick is constantly working with the industries top and aspiring artists. And, being a man of power with his juggernaut productions company and executive position at a highly regarded theatre, he attracts many talented, bone-thirsty bunnies.

"It's tough," said Dick. "I take my roles very seriously so there cannot be any conflict of interest or threat to independence when I audition artists. I would never jeopardize my professionalism for a quick joy bounce.

"That being said, there are many times where I genuinely want to engage in some sort of relationship with a person, but it is in direct conflict with my job or the current situation. Talk about getting cock-blocked in the most professional way possible."

Oh Dick, now you know how it feels to be cock-blocked.

"First time for everything," said Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.