WK7 - GM's Quarterly I

Hello there, my fellow select-GM's. It's time.

WK7 is here which also marks the first quarter-mark of Randy's PoV. With the majority of NHL teams reaching the 20 games-played milestone, Sir Fucking Randy will review the quarter's results and show you who's hamming it and who's getting hammed. But, before that, let's look at this week statistics, courtesy of the stats machine:

Dick Burns continues to lead the way, having a slight edge over second-place Sitch (about 18 points or so). Sitch, however, has stopped Dick Burns's streak of being top bread winner; the meat-headed legend crushed it this week, taking in a whopping 177.40 fantasy points, well ahead of the League-average of 137.36.

Sitch could not be reached for comment, but flashed his biceps through a window at his GoodLyfe Body Centre towards reporters who hadn't been paying attention. Sitch can thank Malkin, the $64 million dollar man, recent free agent pick-up Rinne, and Jones for turning in incredible weeks; each player brought home an average of 20+ fantasy points.

"Fuckin' meat-heads," said a disgruntled Burgundy.

As a byproduct of his successful week, Sitch was also able to boost his PPGP right to the League-average of 3.12 (he was previously operating at an inefficient 2.94). However, Dick Burns still trounces the competition, comfortably humming at a 3.32 PPGP. Safari and Burgs saw their PPGP's decrease to 3.00 and 3.05, respectively, while Tree Bone has maintained a PPGP of 3.13 (previously 3.15).

 In terms of the Rainbow, we're not seeing too much of a change here, but goalie statistics are on the downtrend, which is normal given that more games have been played. Hot goalies are starting to plateau, cold goalies are returning to form, and as a result, goalie-PPGP are averaging out. A mere two weeks ago, the average goalie-PPGP was 5.26, but has dropped to 4.93 since then. That being said, Dick Burns and Tree Bone still dominate the goalie field; they both sport a 2.00 GAA (or lower) and have goalie-PPGP of over 5.50.

In terms of Ranking, Dick Burns has now been atop the rankings for three weeks consecutive, closely followed by Sitch, who has climbed into the number two position. Burgundy, who had spent a week at number one, has had a roller-coaster ride, having occupied all but the number five position over the weeks.

"What can I say?" said Burgundy. "Lovin' 'dem ebbs and flows."

Alright, now that we've had our dosage of weekly statistics, let's get into the Quarterly Awards.

SELECT-GM OF THE QUARTER - DICK BURNS

(Honourable mention: Donald Trump)

The Dick is swinging hard. Really hard. Over the course of the first Quarter, no select-GM has been more dominant than Team DB, and no goalie has been more dominant than Carey Price (Dick's Keeper).

"Listen, I said I was going to be fully engaged this year," said Dick Burns, grabbing his crotch with a grin. "I'm going to stick with it and show all you select-GM's how it's done."

He leads in Total Points and PPGP. He also leads in Ladies Sacked. (Disclosure: Ladies Sacked is an unofficial statistic of the Randy Leagaues - Sir Fucking Randy takes no responsibility or liability, so far as legally possible, for the defense and/or proof of this statistic.)

JARED COWAN OF THE QUARTER - SAFARI

(Honourable mention: Hillary Clinton)

After storming out of the gates with a four-goal performance from Matthews, Safari was looking like he'd be a top contender during this year's PoV. He was able to maintain the hot hand for the first month, but has since cooled off, now finding himself near the bottom of the League. Matthews is no longer part of his roster, along with several others. (Safari has to date been the most active select-GM, partaking in 16 player transactions.)

We keep waiting for the year of the Golden-Lion. Will he be able to recover after a sub-par first quarter?

"Save me, my lord. SAVE ME!" cried Safari.

Honourable mention goes to Hillary Clinton. She got effed, for obvious reasons.

"I was going to be the First Lady's Man," said an upset Bill Clinton.

STEALTH OF THE QUARTER - TREE BONE

(Honourable mention: Burgundy)

She's conspiring.

She's maintained a 3.00 PPGP or better this entire season. She dropped her Keeper (Kane) in favour of Pastrnak. She holds one of the top goalies in the League (Dubnyk). And she has Connor McDavid.

I was shocked to see her drop Kane, and I know from transaction reports that the waiver-claims went nuts that day (Kane ultimately went to Burgundy), but Little Miss Tree Bone has something up her sleeve, and she's got games-in-hand to camouflage her performance. Don't count this lady out.

Honourable mention goes to Burgundy, who has slowed in the last few weeks, but now holds Crosby and Kane. I think that's as lethal as it gets.

All in all, a great first quarter, select-GM's. We're well into the thick of things, but no one has been left in the dust. Play on, play hard, and play smart.

Cordially,

Morpheus Randy.