WK5 - Dick Punch Advisory in Effect

God damn it, Dick Burns. Every year it's the same fucking thing.

"What is? My large phallus paired with screaming college babes?" asked Dick Burns, grinning.

Not what I was thinking, but valid nonetheless. I was actually referring to your performance within the Randy Leagues. Every single (fucking) year, Team DB comes out flying, dick-punching all competition in the process, and peers down from the top of the standings.

"Jeah, but he goes MIA around the holidays and Mr. Burgundy takes over!" said the Ronald, confidently.

Also true. But, will this year be the year that breaks that trend? Here are the statistics, courtesy of the stats machine:

Dick Burns was this week's top bread winner, amassing 160.70 fantasy points, a smidgen more than Safari's 159.70. Burgundy, last week's leader, was the week's lowest point accumulator, taking in 106.35 fantasy points.

In terms of PPGP, Safari has a lot to celebrate this week; his monstrous point accumulation --

Adds McGuire: That's my line!

Ah yes, who could forget about you, Pierre McGuire. It's been a while since we've seen your shiny bald melon around these parts.

Hey guys!

Adds McGuire: Oh yes, it's been a while indeed, but like Dick Burns, I'm coming into my Reporting duties in full force as well! Safari has been an absolute beast, a rhino on a mission. He improved his PPGP week-over-week by 0.16 and now sports a 3.15 PPGP. We all know, based on historical stats reports, that Randy League Champions average around 3.30 or more, so this is great news for Safari.

Indeed, McGuire, though it should be noted that Dick Burns still leads overall with a 3.36, followed by Burgundy with a 3.23.

Adds McGuire: I love this. Look at that Rainbow! There were a few select-GM's who wondered whether keeping Carey Price was a gamble for Dick Burns, but look at the stats now! Dick Burns is registering an average of 7.02 PPGP for goalie games. That's unprecedented, and mostly attributed to Price. What a stud!

And it looks like Dick is dominating in every goalie statistic as well. Though he may have some concerns with his forwards, it appears that most of the League is struggling to find offense (with the exception of Burgundy and his Crosbone).

Adds McGuire: Will this be the first of many weeks at number one for Dick Burns? He's got the best PPGP and point totals so far, and his goalies are running away with it. I'm no prophet (like Commissioner Randy) but methinks Dick is long overdue for a win!

"Methinks Dick is long. Period," said Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.