I follow the blurry figure. I can tell he is a man, and he's got a towel around his waist. Where the fuck did you get the towel? I wonder. Through my squinty eyes (because I cannot see, not because I'm trying to be Asian) I can make out his profile; he's not a tall man. He reminds me of a life-size Buddha; round, bald and with a belly.
"Businessman says your Mandarin is not so good," says the Buddha (the blurry figure).
"I'm working on it," I say, making light of the situation. "Just speak slow to me, and tell me where I'm supposed to go. I've not a clue, and I don't have my glasses."
"No problem, sir," says the Buddha. "Please, enjoy a shower first. It'll cleanse your body prior to entering the pools. Here, I'll turn it on for you."
I'm led around a marble wall and a stall with a shower head appears. The Buddha presses a few mysterious buttons on the wall and suddenly warm water begins spewing out. I hop into the stall, relieved to finally have some shelter for my naked body.
"Enjoy," says the Buddha, bowing as he walks away.
The soaps and shampoos are all labelled in Mandarin, and I cannot read them. I open the bottles and use my nose to determine what is what. Not many of you know this, but Sir Fucking Randy has a very accurate sense of smell, so deciphering what soaps to use was not a problem.
As I finish my shower, I look at the buttons on the wall. They are all foreign, mysterious and odd. I cannot tell what shuts off the water, so I begin pressing them one at a time. Nothing works; water continues to spew. Eventually, I just give up and tip toe out of the shower, hoping to find a bloody towel. To my surprise, I see a pile of them as I enter the main area where the pools are located.
 |
| Where have you been all my life?! |
"Thank god!" I say under my breath, grabbing a towel. I dry myself off and whip it around my waist. Morpheus's dick has been swinging loosely for too long.
"Enjoy the pools," says the Buddha, appearing out of nowhere. "There are three temperatures: cold, warm and hot. Choose whichever you like, sir."
I am no stranger to hot and cold pools, so I know exactly what to do. I hop right into the warm pool, letting my body and mind recover from the last few minutes of confusion. There's another flat screen broadcasting financials news, so I catch up on some of that (as best I can, given that the broadcast was in Mandarin). Eventually, the warm pool starts feeling hot, so I decide to transfer to the cold pool. I hop out, dip into the cold pool and continue my relaxation. The cold pool had to be no more than 12 degrees Celsius. Damn cold, but damn good too.
"I am ready for you," said the Buddha from behind me.
"Oh," I replied, surprised. How the hell do you appear out of nowhere like that? Are you who I think you are? Batman Buddha?
I look back at him, squinty-eyed of course. "What are you ready for?" I ask, totally confused.
"Your back scrub, sir," says the Buddha, calmly.
"Oh, right," I say. Up until that point I had been confused as to whether this Buddha was a towel boy or something else. I know now that he's a service man, and he's about to give me a back scrub.
Given my North American background, I was under the impression that I'd be receiving a back scrub from a woman. But I found out (after this entire bathhouse episode) that bathhouses in Asia are divided based on sex. The men's section of the bathhouse is full of men (service men and clients) and the vice versa for the women's section.
Anyways, I follow Batman Buddha to through another maze of marble walls. He brings me to a cornered off area; there are a few buckets neatly stacked on the floor, a faucet with shower extension and a massage bed in the middle. It's well lit and cleaner than Sitch's house.
"No fucking way," says Sitch.
The Buddha unrolls a fresh towel from a cabinet and grabs a few other items. "Please, lie down," he says to me.
I make my way to the massage table and climb onto it. As I'm about to put my face in the hole of the massage table, the Buddha says, "Ready?"
I say that I am. He walks up beside the table, adjusts the towel around my waist, and begins scrubbing me. It is one of the greatest feelings I've ever experienced. His hands are wrapped in coarse cotton, and I can feel the layers of poutine-clogged skin rolling off my body. He works my neck and back before even scrubbing behind my ears. My shoulders, arms and legs all get the royal treatment and I can't believe how soothing it feels. Every few minutes or so, he stops to rinse my body with warm water before continuing his scrub. I am in heaven.
"OK so far?" he asks.
"Absolutely splendid," I say.
"Your Mandarin is quite good," says the Buddha.
"For now. If you spend more time with me, you'll see how bad it is," I say.
The Buddha chuckles and scrubs me some more. He gets to the arches of my feet and cleanses the skin between my toes.
"OK," says the Buddha. "Please turn over so I may do your front."
... What?
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