Draft Day Diaries

Same shit, different year. Am I right?

PoV Draft Day was last Thursday evening at 9:15PM EST, so I guess technically it should be called Draft NIGHT as opposed to Draft Day. But Draft Day just sounds better, no?

After some hectic scheduling that left Sir Fucking Randy on the brink of breaking some (Tree) bones, the five select-GM's finally agreed on a time that worked with all their schedules. Not surprisingly, Dickery Burns was last to arrive with 30 seconds to spare. Or was he?

"Lies, all lies!" said Dick Burns whilst throwing a carton of fresh eggs into the garbage. "I was the first one there, I swear! I got there very early, in time to excuse myself and grab some non-dairy refreshments."

Dick Burns arriving early to an event is more suspicious than Tree Bone asking to borrow your purse, so I take his his claim with extreme caution.

"God damn it I was there first!" screamed Dick Burns. "I just stepped out for a moment to get refreshments and that's when everyone else came in, thinking that I hadn't arrived yet!"

This is all hearsay and I will therefore neither confirm or deny the claims. But, what I can comment on is the shenanigans that prevailed throughout the night of the Draft. Like other Drafts, this year's PoV Draft was suspenseful, dramatic and included a few curve balls (pucks?) for some additional flare.

The night commenced with Dick Burns, who's now had first-pick more times than DiCaprio at the Playboy Mansion, selecting Erik Karlsson, arguably the most sought after defenseman at the Draft. Pairing that with a Keeper in Carey Price, Dick Burns started off with a strong back end game.

"Back end game is my forté," said Dick.

Karlsson goes #1st Overall in PoV.

With the second overall selection, Tree Bone picked up zygote Connor McDavid, Edmonton's prized possession, who was restricted to just 45 games last season but somehow managed 48 points (as a rookie, no less). Methinks Mr. McDavid could end up as this year's leading scorer, which is scary considering Tree Bone also possesses Patrick Kane, last year's Art Ross winner.

That beard provides more shade than a tree.

With the third overall selection, Sitch, who is coming off what he considers his most disappointing season ever, followed in the footsteps of Dick Burns and also selected a defenseman, going with Brent Burns. Hoarding up on D-men seemed to be the name of the game for Sitch this season; think he's compensating for something?

"Low blow, Commissioner!" shrieked Sitch, with a sock half stuffed in his inseam.

This is too funny.

With the fourth overall selection, aka. the Silver Spoon selection --

"FUCK!" roared Safari.

-- African Lion Safari picked up Braden Holtby. The elite puck stopper will obviously be a fantastic pairing with Alex Ovechkin (Safari's Keeper), who will do his part on offense while Holtby cleans up any defensive breakdowns.

Holtby, the first goalie
selected in PoV.

And finally, last year's winner, Ronald Burgundy, completed the round one selection by picking up Jamie Benn, the Dallas forward who was one of Sitch's favourite gems in last year's Wring.

"Oh, it feels so good to take one of Sitch's favourite gems," said Burgundy, grinning.

"He's saying 'JEAH!'" said Burgundy.

The night progressed with reasonably friendly chatter and selections, with many select-GM's praising each other's picks. Notable kudos were given to Tree Bone during round six, when she snagged 30 goal scorer Filip Forsberg, who had been on the radar of many select-GM's. Not to be outdone, African Lion Safari robbed several select-GM's a few rounds later (round 10) by taking Brad Marchand; apparently the next three select-GM's selecting after Safari had already had their mouses hovered over Marchand's name.

As the Draft is a live event, not everything runs smoothly without interruptions. Burgundy, who was likely pre-occupied with some adult film PoV filtering, required a stoppage and reset during the 10th round as he went over time.

"No comment," said Burgundy.

Who came out on top in the Draft remains to be seen (duh, that's why we play an entire season, right?). From unconfirmed sources, it has been reported that Safari gave a hat tip to Sitch, commending his Draft decisions. Separately, Sitch was caught mid-carbo-loading while running his eyes over Tree Bone's roster, again and again. Only time will tell, gentlemen and lady, whether these decisions prove fruitful or fruitless.

"A combine would assist," said Burgundy.

Wise words, Dick.